The Bi-Polar Bearing Sea

I have to be EXTREMELY careful not to begin each morning with Blind Faith's "Had To Cry Today".  Same with Phil Collins'  "Missed Again".  I suffer from ATSDD  Active Traumatic Steve DeSilva Disorder AND, as if THAT weren't enough, Bi-Polar Bearing.  Indeed, my Realm IZ the Bi-Polar Bearing Sea.  It aint EZ being me, which is why I try to be Someone Else, like ANYBODY Else, as much as I can for as L--O---N----G as I can.

I gotta leave this here, totally unfinished.  Pleeze forgive an old No body.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Ass-ids

I got up from Chairy-Chair's Warm Embrace bc I heard a Voice warn, "Whatever you do DO NOT open your G.Mail."  The "do-do" was a "giveaway".  Well I IGNORED that Warning and tapped into it anyway.  Sure enough,, Master Fortin's ASS-IDS were there,,, as brutally corrosive as ever.  All he wants me to do is "get" Ph-D's in FOUR Languages, Ph.D's in Ancient Mexican Sorcery and Magic, get Enlightenment in Geomancy and Feng Shui and write his "A Sourcebook In Kwan Um Do Kwang Philosophy.  Thing is, he wanted me to type with fingers HE broke with his Base-Ball BAT.
I know rite ? 

Know what I did ? What ANY American Zen Sword Student would do, I put in a load of laundry and dug out cloth shears to cut some felt fabric and so I could hammer-staple it to my table-dollies.....  Skirts for my dollies, God-ZILLA I LOVE that.

Some one shoot me..........................pleeze.

...bitten by Zen Dogma...

I've tried to describe that my own Insanity is, for the most part, UN-knowable, meaning, how would I KNOW when I'm Crazy ?  There is most bitter Zen Dogma that spits-out, "Mind cannot know Mind", and there's even Christian Anathema that revels in ,"The Finite CANNOT know the Infinite" which means the Minds of puny Humans can't POSSIBLY grasp the Infinite of  Divine Intelligence.  Knowing that shit don't help me NONE !    How can it ?

I put a load of laundry into the washing machine then dug out a pair of cloth shears to cut-up some felt.  It's a small task but it lends itself to my firm Belief that Small Things Are 'Getting' To Me  in such a way that if I don't execute this small task I risk executing my Sanity.  The Task is to staple a "skirt" onto my table dollies.  Skirts for my dollies.  I need SERIOUS Professional Help.

Guano Mana

You Kidz KNOW that when  I gotta use trump and his colossal BLUNDERS to measure my own yak shit CrAzY things have gone "South" as in "down the toilette".  Every time I'm cuckoo-nuts trump executes some bat shit Guano Insanity that makes me and the rest of the World DELIRIOUS in Sanity EUPHORIA. 

I had WAY too much sleep last night.  For the FIRST time in YEARS, I slept 8 hours WITHOUT having to relieve myself or FIGHT Losing Battles Against Demons and Angels.  Too much sleep makes me groggy and slum-ber-y .   It helps that I have a PUNISHING  migraine, that my Tinnitus is EXCRUCIATING, and my allergies are so bad there's good Pain in my JAW.  Good Times....but I'm fucked and fucked HARD !!!!!

The Gory Hymn of the Republic

Just for my own head, TODAY, I need to re-orient our heads so that we see the same shit.  Elsewhere I have magma-ed a Case that presents Civilization as Evolutionary "Strategy".  Here, the managed  growth of the Intellect made Co-Operation the Guarantor of Subsistence Plenitude.  It may be written as The Politics of Plenitude, or The Socialization of  "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."  It's all Common Sense Shit just like,  "2 heads are better than one", and  the Native American Classic, "Many hands make the work light."

Here's a Bitter from HH Captain Obvious :::  " When Co-operation fails, so too the Guarantees."

Without the "Co-Operation" of the republicans, we can all sing The Gory Hymn of the Republic.

The Impending Impeachment is Destined For Failure.

The rats want to hold the Upcoming Election as Judge, Jury, and Executioner.

Trump has NEGATED Democracy and its Constitution.

He may try to Negate the Election Results .

What then  ?


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

If ye sow, ye shall weep.

The BEST image/definition of Karma MAY be, "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".  It gets CLOSE to what is needed to understand Karma.  Of course there's the Parable of the Mustard Seed that is blown onto rock.  Ain't NOTHIN' EZ and that includes trying to align Garden with Government.

Please forgive an old mustard seed.....  I am TERROR-fied that NOTHING will come of the Impeachment Proceedings.  There is NO Mechanism in EXISTENCE which can force Truth Extraction from the Criminally Insane and nor would that Extraction be of Value since there is NO Mechanism to arrest and imprison Political Terrorists. 

If trump "ordains" that his phone call to Ukraine was his SECOND AMENDMENT  Guarantee, it will be the Constitution of the United States that is, itself, Responsible for Its own demise.

Trump has "Ordained" that his phone call was "Perfect".

Trump is the Priest of Perfect.

In a Perfect Democracy you can say what you want to say.

Who is there to stop you ?

The Inundation of Fecundation

Some time ago, or it coulda-ben yesterday, I made effort to recognize that "Corruption" is, in deed, and in fact, a NATURAL Process.  Buddhist Dogma sets it forth in this manner, "Arising, Stability, Decline and Dissolution".  Here, I juxtapose Decline with Corruption.  For my money, the Absolute BEST image to use is that of a Garden.  A Garden can be Beautifully Conceived and Richly Executed, and for a time it will be Pristine, Pure and Bucolic----that is until, Mother Nature and her Twin, Mother Earth, advance upon said Garden with only MASS ENTROPY as Guiding Principle.  The Twins DEMAND the Inundation by Fecundation---the NECESSITY for Order as CHAOS---and here it is where every weed seed on the Planet, has, for its growth medium, immensely FERTILE Soil, in which to promote a Growth of Vacuum, the One that sucks the Life Giving Nutrient AWAY from Civilized Cornucopia. 

Mother Earth and Mother Nature are FIRST  to Defend  "ALL LIFE IS SACRED".

Every Living Thing is EQUAL to Every Other Living Thing.

"Houston ?                         We have a problem."

The Pope of Corruption.

I heard Some One say, (and even if I didn't I'm gonna rite this anyway) "The Republic is DEAD without Belief in the Constitution".

I didn't have any plans to rite today.  It was SUPPOSE to be warm and SUNNY, warm enough and Sunny enough to dry some to the stock I need for the Tools' Room :::  instead it's dark, dank and dour which, under Steve DeSilva conditions, would produce a level of Toxicity that would pollute the Pope.  I spent some time this morning, at Twitter, condemning the DIS-Belief of the Constitution by trump and his sycophants, cultists all and to the last.  Trump & his have used the pages of the Constitution for toilette paper.  They have Middle Fingered the Dec of Independence and used the Branches of Gov as Whips Against the Minds of Honest Citizens.  I brought in the Pope because HE could transform the Church, and do so INSTANTLY, with just ONE Papal BULL.  He could, SINGLE-HANDEDLY bring the Church into MODERN Times, if His Holiness, so Willed.  But His Hole-y-ness so WON'T.  Trump is no different. 

Trump is the Pope of  Corruption.

...prickled...

I can't continue this today Kidz, my apologies.  I mean I COULD but it would drain me to "nothing left". 

It may be that a Heart that is severely scarred CANNOT Love to the Extent of Others.  I'm gonna claim that this morning, although tomorrow I may just claim Insanity. 

I LOVE proclaiming that the only "Absolute" in the Universe is "Change".  However, there are other "Absolutes" worthy of that Same >>>here's one now =  "Hamburg is NEVER gonna change into steak."  One more for good measure,from the Annals of AA>>  "Once you're pickled you ain't gonna become a cucumber."


Rock steady........steady as she goes....

Emotion Dyslexia

My Mental Illnesses keep me Sane.  That's my Story and I'm stickin' to it.  It MAY be far more accurate to record> Knowing I'm Mentally Ill keeps me Sane and Stable.  I suffer from Emotion Dyslexia a Disease I had to devise in order to explain myself to my Other Self.  It's either that or
I must dive into the Depth of Childhood where I risk drowning in a Sea of Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Bitterness.  Why not just "make something up" ?

Everyone wants to believe "Love Conquers All".  I DON'T believe that. And here's the Rub, I can't because of that Maternal UNCONDITIONED Love that was UNAVAILABLE to me.  It means I was born into the Bottom of the Above Mentioned Ocean.   If your START at 5 Miles DOWN, it something of a Miracle when you get to 2 Miles BELOW.  I want Credit for That, a voluminous Recognition of a "Job Well Done." 

That's where I am after all these Years of Training, Zen and Sword Psychology.  Folks have asked,
"With all Your Experience why are you STILL a fucking ASSSShole ?"

Just because I know how to swim, it DOESN'T mean I can swim the Chanel .

...Dis-Capacity

My Hero, Eric Clapton, does a Lament about a Chick who's experienced the dregs and dross of "Potential Gone Bad"--the one where, even though she's invested and invested HEAVILY in her Man, he has inexplicably  approached Reciprocity with a callus contempt bordering on rapturous Scorn.  Eric KNOWS "This ain't good" and figures HE can White Knight her on Sat(a)n Sheets because most of all SHE MUST HAVE HAD ENOUGH.  I'm NOT Eric in this yawn yarn, I'm the BAD guy whose interpretation of Good Times is gettin' HY and watching "Bad Teacher" or "The Lost World".  I ain't rite in the head.

Sometimes you don't "have to" forgive Bad Ass Behavior, nor must you even excuse it.  What I think you MUST do is recognize the Science of "it", the one where Past Conditions generate PRESENT Occupation. 

We live in the Zen of Venn that's the one where Past, Present and FUTURE exist in the Realm of "Just Now" with HIDEOUS Immediacy, the one in which temporal and sensational Sensitivities "Plague" Intimacy with Savage Brutality.

"Born Under A Bad Sign"

There's a scene in this Flick>>  Good Guy sees that a Wanna-be Bad Ass is harassing the Saloon Girl with Testosterone Testicity.  The WBBA refuses to be Gentlemanly and continues to "trump" the Woman with grandiose MAGA-nimity.  The Way Liberal Good Guy goes Knight In Shining Armor and seethes, "Were you born an ASSSSSShole, or have you been workin' at it you whole life ? "

You can guess What Happens Next.

Go Ahead,

Guess.

Now you'd figure that someone like me, a devout Militant Idealist would side with the White in Shining Armor, instead, I've always fancied myself a ZEN Bad ASS, so I would have responded,
"Yes".

--Yes what ?--

Both.

--Both WHAT ?

I was born an asshole and I HAVE been working at it my entire Life.

"Tied To The Whipping Post"

I'd venture that a Majority of "Us Gize" know what it's like to be on the Receiving End of "Why do you HAVE to be SUCH a fucking asshole ?"  A couple of times I have held my tongue and only THOUGHT "Just lucky, I guess".  The Rest of Those Caught-On-Barbed-Wire Times have gone less.......................smoothly. 

INEVITABLY I have been brow beaten, thorn crowned, whipped and flailed with razor studded  lashes--mostly in Words of Fire, those seeming DEMANDS for Greatness that sound really Terrific, but to me they are really Terror-ific.  "You say you Wield the Sword of Jesus and The Sword of Manjushri, why the fuck CAN'T you BE Christian, why can't you BE Buddhist ?"

Oh my , oh my, oh my.

He had Guacamole for Brains...

Tonight I fared much better.  The FEAR was inactive for the same reason, I JUST DID NOT GIVE A Fuck~~so I laid out a trap, and when the Rubber Person, a GIANT of 8 feet or so, appeared, I managed in Dream Skill, to knock HIM to the ground, and as he was about to raise himself, I kicked him in the head, twice, once to split his skull, the next to kick out his face and with it his brains.  Oddly, what remained looked like guacamole and sour cream.  This monster wasn't gonna return any time soon.

That leads us to my next Sequence, and this is more to the Core of Sleepless in See Battle.  In this Sequence I have a date with a Woman, a Date I have failed to keep, for many MANY Nights, and now, with Death "out of the way" you'd think "Gee Mister, that's swell", and I'd be ready for the tete-a-tete .   Well, come to find out, Life AIN'T just kicking Demons into the Abyss, and scooping off faces and guac brains with your razor-foot.  Life is about being a Gentleman, or so you'd want to romanticize. 

"Rubber Workers Bounce Back"

I HAVE wanted to rite about the so-called "Rubber People".  I refer to them as "Rubber People" because they are "made out of" rubber---as such, no amount of pounding, kicking, Sword or K-bar "work" can meet out ANY damage.  They are terrifying because, they are capable of a form of open surgery, done while I am Conscious, whose goal is the removal of my Organs, my Heart, among them.  I feared the Rubber People GREATLY.  They exist in Another Dimension, and even though I KNOW --"Don't go there"-- when I stand at the Gate, still with the capacity to choose and choose WISELY , I choose POORLY an enter their dimension with the intention to gain my Freedom.  To this point, that of tonight, I have failed because of misery-fear (miseratic fear) the one that floods you when you realize, you AIN'T gonna "Win", that, whatever weapon you have AIN'T gonna be effective AND, as if THAT weren't enough, those fucking bastids can out-run you.

Who would EVER have figured Rubber People are SPRINTERS ?

Mud Slinger

It's 1:33 a.m. here in South County, North America, Earth.  I haven't been sleeping  all through the night for months, mainly because of incessant battles with Demons who rodeo one Unicorn night-mare after another, all REAL, all exhausting<>  in a seemingly unending battle to raise my Conscious that I may truly see who I truly am.

Well I just awoke from a Dream in which I slew two Demons, three if you count the Little Boy I threw off a mountain side to his death.  His father was more of a struggle.  I wrestled him on rain saturated soil, slippery as grease, but this time I had no Fear of death, he was gonna die -I was gonna die, maybe, and I just DID NOT CARE.  It was a Classic Movie Full-View, in the rain, at night, on a mountain top for "All the marbles".  I managed to knock him into the mud, and kick him toward the Edge--he held my leg tightly, we were both slipping toward the Abyss, but, I kicked his head, his grip loosened, and one more kick freed me and  sent him flying to his death.  On the way down I actually heard his head crack open from an out crop.  That's when I threw his son after him.

Lord of the Fries

I, too, have advanced into William Golding Territory but NOT as The Lord of the Flies, for me, rite now, it's more like Lord of the Fries.  I'm TWICE the man I once was but NOT in any Abstract Pure-ative Elite way, more like in a Fat-Sack-Of-Human-Excrement way.  Woe is me.

I did SEVERE damage to my Self and my Ego when I CATASTROPHICALLY Underestimated the Effects of Radiation Bombardment.  It reduced me to a fat-assed Skinny WEAKLING  a one wholly susceptible to a Sand Kicking Trumped-up Bully.  I was FORCED to use just a mere FIVE pounds to "Bench Press" and even then my anterior deltoids were SCREAMING.  Pathetic gets close to it.

But here's the deal with being a 600 pound sack of living "Play-doh" ~~~ I still remembered what it felt like to bench and do Sword, and I gotta tell ya Kidz I CAN'T live without "it".  It's the deal where I am weak as a Kitten but I want to live as a Crouching Tiger.

There's no place from which to start except "At the Beginning".

Us Democracyarians must have ONE Mind when it comes to REFORMING Post-trump America. It's this >=<   BACK TO BASICS.  That MEANS its a Return to Forever via the Constitution.

We have the requisite Directions, what we NEED to do is Read and EXECUTE.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

The Reign in Ukraine stays mainly on the Pain

I can't leave you Kiz today without addressing Ukraine and its Drowning Position in the Dire Straits.
I've listened to several Folks, supposedly Knowledgeable "Experts" who have recorded that after Ukraine became un-Prisoned by the now DEAD Soviet Union, Ukraine whistle-blew PASSED "Democracy" and rite into William Golding's Land of The Lord of the Flies.  Since Ukraine had no Democracy to begin with, it was naturally unlikely that they could have, somehow, made it, (Democracy), even "appear".   Instead they, as in their Nation, went straight to the Hideous of Democracy Senility, the one where Corruption is the NATURAL Result of AGE.  "Freedom" to Them, meant Freedom to Adhere to the MOST Strident of Universal Negatives, the one of GREED.

Knowing this MEANS that there WASN'T and COULD NOT be ANY of the so-called "Muscle Memory", the remembrances of Ancient Athenian Agriculture-based Democracy.  Tw o words ==  Impossible.  With only the Western View of Democracy in sight, specifically that of America, the Ukrainians Tore Forward with unblemished Cultural FEROCITY, a Ferocity brought about by STARVATION. 

The World has seen these Valiant Citizens, barricaded in their Streets in SUB-ZERO ARCTIC TORTURE, themselves BLAZING with the Fury of DEMAND.  Noble and Honorable are scant adjectives to proscribe as REVOLUTIONARY.

"Go ahead, FAKE my day."

Watching trump and Zelensky is like being in a Lifeguard Tower and spotting a Tsunami where the Sky Meets the Sea.  I'm yelling and SCREAMING but no one seems to care.  Everyone is going about their Business as though they are Guests on Pleasure Island.  I am sick with wrought (where wrought is defined as "being hammered into shape").

In front of Zelensky and the World, trump has pulled the trigger and emptied his clip into Miss Liberty's brain, and NOT like Tarantino depicted in "Kill Bill Vol, 1".  Then, as it THAT weren't enough, he put the barrel up against Zelensky's temple.  "Go ahead, Fake my Day".  What's Zelensky gonna do ----------Refuse ?   His entire Nation is in Jeopardy--Putin and his are up Ukraine's ASS with a fucking spiked 2 X 4 and Zelensky is like me, POWER-LESS. 

Trump aint just Out of Order he's Out of Fucking CONTROL.  He's in FOUL Territory and trying to fake us believe he's in "Good Standing". 

This is Office DEFILEMENT in EVERY Way, Shape and Form.

When trump commanded China to Fake his Day he the ENTIRE Government should have been put on RED ALERT   DEF-COM ELEVEN---instead it's all just so Ho Hum Drum, "We'll get to that when we finish "Holiday".

You Are Hy

That's the gag for U. R. I., the University of Rhode Island.  We were Hy one time running over the the turf at the outer border of campus, the stars like headlights, the air   soil sweet and intoxicating. 

Nothing sez "It's Winter" like returning to URI's Natatorium to see if  IT is where I'm gonna seize-up and drown.  I'm just like you Kidz, the ONLY way to leave the deck is by racing dive and 50 yards of Butterfly.  I figured, if I had to drown, it may as well be because I DIDN'T care about my pathetically weakened condition--image is everything.  "He drowned by trying to be a Water-Butterfly". 

Before I was Radiated I could warm-up with a 200 IM, that's swim code for "Individual Medley" 50 yards of Fly, 50 yds of Backstroke, 50 yds of Breast and 50 of the Australian Crawl.  I could-a been timed with a stopwatch, but this last time I needed a calendar.  Here's my Time =  5 days, 6 hours, 33 minutes and 4 tenths.  But that aint the point.

The Point is this >=<  As soon as I broke the surface MY BODY REMEMBERED.  It, this mechanical remembrance, is correctly referred to as "Muscle Memory".  All those thousands of MILES in High School and College turned me into a Mer-Man, a Natadore.  In short, I will ALWAYS be able to swim an IM.  I find that seriously interesting.

That same "message" is for US.  The Whistle Blower Blew us into Muscle Memory, the One that REMEMBERS what Corruption Free Government MEANT and also that Corruption Free Government was, at its Core, GOOD !!!

Plank Skank

Listen Kidz --  I NEED to draw a DIRECT connection from my Radiation Bombardment to my Present "sorry" make-believe man I am rite now.  The Radiation Bombardment has reduced me to doing my beloved Bench Press WITH ONLY 5 POUND dumb-bells.  I shit you not-------.  Back in "The Day" I would WARM-UP with a buck thirty, rep it all day with ABSOLUTELY No Prob.  A few days ago I was strong enough to see how many push-ups I could do ~~~ it was part of the Dave Gallogly Challenge.  I went pell-mell for the Chin-Up Bar and kwikly tore my lats to shreds.  I was in no Shape to even THINK about a Chin-up.  I did, however, keep my chin DOWN and went into the plank position and do ONE push-up.  Here's a good word >=<  PATHETIC.

But don't miss the Point.  It was the RADIATION that weakened me, that sucked the fucking LIFE from my Heart and Soul. 

In that SAME WAY trump's "Radiation" has weakened the Minds and Hearts of Americans and the World. 

We are suffering Radiation Sickness.

The Whistle Blow Job

I NEED to make certain You Kidz understand that Corruption is a NATURAL Process.  Look around at any steel or iron or cast iron and even aluminum "piece" that's been "left out" in the open beneath ALL weather conditions.  INEVITABLY those items will rust and corrode.  The key word here is INEVITABLY.  A Pundit GENIUS encumbered, "What the Whistle-Blower blew WAS NOT NEW NEWS, not in ANY, Way, Shape or Form."  Sadly, if not SORROWFULLY, we as in Us, have known that trump is a raging piece of sub-human SHIT from the very Get-Go of his presidential campaign. 

What has transpired here in America is NOT some sort of Shakespearean Tragedy, a One in which a GOOD Man makes a fucking HEINOUS decision that Catastrophes [from the transitive verb, to Catastrophe] his life.  I have rendered trump a DIABOLICAL Genius.  His Capacity for Cruelty is matched by Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, and Putin, tyrants all, whose Sole Objective in Life was the Self-Aggrandizement that manifests in Political POWER. 

All these Monsters "sleep like animals".  They had NO Morals nor Ethics, indeed, they consider These, Inhibitors.  No Shame, no Remorse, No Compassion, No Empathy --~~~~~

So Now --WHY is the Whistle Blow Job so surreal-ly dire, and maybe dire is not the best word.

All Existence Entails Corruption

Yesterday I heard something "out of the Whirlwind".  You Kidz recall the Bible Story, that Time when Job looked upon a Whirlwind and God, Himself, spoke ?  It was like that, only NOTHING like that, it was just your regular Whirlwind of white noise, static and distortion, but from which I "made out" some excruciatingly CLEAR  words >=<  "Putin, and guys like Putin, think the the World is FUNDAMENTALLY Corrupt."  In other words, The World, AT ITS CORE, is NO PLACE for the Cosmic Conditions of Kindness, Caring, Charity and Compassion. 

A bomb "went off" in my head. 

Look at the First Noble Truth >=<  "All Existence entails Suffering."

Now check this out >=<  All Existence entails Corruption.

See why I have some---------------------------------concern ?

...Civilized Ferocity...

I'm on a "Rampage" as well.  A Rampage to Order my Immediate World. the one where Rite-er Steve dwells from time to time.  Rampage Unraveling tornadoes [from the transitive verb, to tornado] to a Chaos of Self-Generated Effects, Effects that are nothing less than Whip Lashes, in trump's instance and our own for that matter.  We are getting Whip-Lashed.  The Rampage I am on is one of ORDERING, however, and if Fury can be controlled, so it is with, my version of Rampage.  Technically, it has nothing to do with Chaos nor Order, but EVERYTHING to do with the Force of Chaos---The Force of Order --- some sort of Primal and CIVILIZED Ferocity.  THAT'S where I am, making every Effort to consolidate years and YEARS if notes, research, quotations, scratches, scribblings, scrawls and scathing-s, my Attempt at re-viewing my Life's Work so that I can (somehow) present it in some semblance of Intellectual Scholarship. 

Were it not for trump and Present Day Political Conditions, I may NOT have attempted ANY sort of Refinement or Distillation.  Some of you may know i was SUPPOSE to rite a Workbook of Kwan Um Do Kwang for Master Fortin.  That went "South" and boy did it go South in a Tornadic Hurricane. 

In for a nickle.....

I got awakened by the Universe at 2 a.m.  No biggy~~ I wondered what was going on.  With trump on an un-raveling rampage, and the News filled with Fraught it may be that some  Comments of Orientation  are the necessity of the day.  Of course, I don't buy that for a penny.  You don't get awakened out of a cucumber slumber just to frit and flitter among the foliage in the Garden of E-Z.

I rolled unto my back and peered into the Infinite.  Trump again, My Life In Words, again---then this >=<  Fundamentals, Rudiments, Elements and Core.  Foundation Exigencies to be sure.  Question is, What's the application ?

The SPEED at which trump and his are unraveling has caused blurred vision, and the sickening distress from DIS-Orientation, not to mention the bewilderment caused by the republican Silence,
The Silence of the Lames, which causes unrelenting exasperation.  Everyone, and that means EVERYONE, wants to understand What The Fuck Is Going On.  Times are perilous, the Nation is in Peril.  Oddly, if not grotesquely WEIRDLY,  We, as in Us and our Nation, are NOT experiencing Biblical End Times.  No way, no how.  These are the times when our Souls are on Trial.  Make no mistake here, Kidz---trump's impending Impeachment is none other than Our Own.  EVERYTHING trump and his "stand for" is that which is within our Collective Psyche.

Someone sang, "There ain't no easy way out."

Revile-ations

In the upcoming days I will "lay out" the "Material" I wrote and submitted to my counselor at the Time, Dr. Wright.  [You can't go Wrong, if you go Wright.]

Much later on I was to view this material as a good start to an autobiography, one that could aid Others in their Life's Journey---figuring I could be a Proletariat Hesse.  To be completely honest, I don't know what happened to me.   At some point I lost interest in my own life.  I know I know, you gotta ask, How can that BE ?  It just happened, somehow, of its own accord.

I'm gonna deliver MOST of it "as is" or "as WAS" in my instance.  Face Value MAY be good enough--but who can know ?

I have only the highest revilement for an Existence whose sole objective was to get and stay sober. 

With that I'm gonna leave this here.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Diapers of a Cry Baby

I doubt ANYONE would care to read Diaries Of A Cry-Baby except OTHER Cry-Babies...how much better, Exploration of Forbidden Territories.  Zing, it has and Zust as well.

Allow me to "bottom line" this, so I can save you Gize some time. 

I have finally come to "real-eyes" that the Flaw in me WASN'T  some ACTUAL Defect--- no and FUCK NO--it was that I was born at all.  Don't be taken aback by that.  I'm WAYYYYYY the fuck over "That".  But I must confess, I'd written that line SEVERAL years ago, as an attempt to gain insight into WHY I had become such a Raging DRUNK. 

One time, I saw this Broad, Dr. Doreen Virtue, author of Constant Craving on Oprah.  The Divine Negress asked, "What the story about Booze and Alcohol ?"  Dr. Virtue almost laughed and answered, "That one's Easy.  Love."

I gotta tell ya kidz, my head almost exploded.

Not See Love

...but it doesn't end there.  It can't.

I started asking WHY my mother couldn't Love me - -WHY was I Un-loveable. [I figured] There was something- a Flaw- I was born with---some DEFECT that MADE me un-loveable...

I ended up HATING that Flaw, which manifested as [PRONOUNCED] Self-Loathing.

It didn't end  with my mother, my father did his best to keep me Negative.  As a child I had repeated nightmares of being machined gunned in the back as I tried to run away from my own home.  It was always the Nazis who wielded the weapons, always they were dressed in a blue uniform I was later to recognize as my father's night job Security Uniform.

I can't help but think that my father resented [hated] me because I was in and out of hospitals so much---that it cost him his Fortune; that were it not for me he would have been financially well off.  I put him in a hole from which he NEVER recovered.

M is for the Million times she fucked me

If you mother couldn't Love you--and your father considered you the "runt of the litter" --what do you think that does ? [to a little boy].  It means, at my Inmost Core, I must be UN-loveable.

So if you can't trust your own mother, and she was a woman, psychologically, you don't trust [ANY] women  because you can't.

So then, as a Human there is a Core NEED for Maternal [Unconditional] Love, what you end up doing is searching for that Love [endlessly] but it gets worse because you resent your mother and therefore [end up] resenting [ALL] women ~~~

So you end up trying to punish all women by fucking as many as you can [run down].

Octoberfret

I've been trying to get at the "Core" of a friend whose "Workbook" he asked me to author.  It wasn't a totally ridiculous request and he , BOTH, of us had good intentions, but the Enormity of the Project has over and under whelmed me so much so, that it forced me into a Past Time Continuum that is at best Unsafe, at worst Terror Filled.
What follows is a Journal entry that is a distillation of Research I have executed since I was 18.   I will not edit it nor will I make comment because, to be honest, I have only a limited supply of Resolve.

I offer this because, in order for me to advance, I must lay aside the Zoo of  Demons I carry on my Mind's Back.  Elsewhere I have provided my World View, but there I have never given the Facts Of My Existence, which explains my Perspective on Reality and which also answers any and all questions regarding HOW and WHY I view that reality as I do.

Listen Kidz, if you don't "bother" with this shit I understand completely.

So--- here goes.