...but it doesn't end there. It can't.
I started asking WHY my mother couldn't Love me - -WHY was I Un-loveable. [I figured] There was something- a Flaw- I was born with---some DEFECT that MADE me un-loveable...
I ended up HATING that Flaw, which manifested as [PRONOUNCED] Self-Loathing.
It didn't end with my mother, my father did his best to keep me Negative. As a child I had repeated nightmares of being machined gunned in the back as I tried to run away from my own home. It was always the Nazis who wielded the weapons, always they were dressed in a blue uniform I was later to recognize as my father's night job Security Uniform.
I can't help but think that my father resented [hated] me because I was in and out of hospitals so much---that it cost him his Fortune; that were it not for me he would have been financially well off. I put him in a hole from which he NEVER recovered.
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