I don't think we have a grasp of "Futility". Recently, as in every morning, I must fight my way passed Ridiculously Futile in order to position myself in front of the screen and keyboard. This activity makes sense ONLY as a self-indulgence ---any "Result" is obscurely ancillary. This "self-indulgence" becomes luxury and at THAT point, something to be avoided IFF I maintain an orientation of philosophical asceticism, to keep to myself and mind my OWN business. In the end, who am I to impose MY opinion on the Un-Suspecting ?
I wrote that paragraph yesterday. I didn't think I would return today nut "Futility" is grating my nerves and corroding my bowels.
I'm no longer at "Failure and Frustration", I've "gone over" to the Dark Side Rage and Bitterness. That SHOULD be a "Happy Place" for me, since one of my Olden Goals was to BE as cantankerous, irascible and acerbic as I could POSSIBLY be. I longed for the freedom to be an Old Man so that I could NOT be held to ANY Moral Standard - - - to be free to harass and harangue everybody, everything and every Human Condition. I gotta confess, it AINT "workin'-out" the way I had lovingly anticipated. My own Misery which has embraced and cradled me in the Past, is now so wrought with ambivalence I can no longer take ANY pleasure in my own Misery.
I know how it happened and I HATE the Why.
No comments:
Post a Comment