The Prodigal Daughter

Remember the Story of The Prodigal Son ?   Well, I'm the son that stayed behind and worked the farm sacrificing a REAL "Life" for Familial Piety. 

I'm gonna dig out that Story once again if only to PUNISH my self with Whip and Lash. 

Listen Kidz, when my Sister left, she did so bc she HATED Small Time Confinement and Restriction.
Once she attained World Class Status not ONCE did she invite either me or my father to visit, not once, not EVA.  She got as Far Away as she possibly could, California.  She nevah "Looked back".

I'm extremely harummphed to see that there ARE  Lessons here, Universal Lessons.

I aint gettin' to them today.............. ~


Rock steady Sis........steady as You go....

"Money Changes Every----thing".

My father dropped me in front of La Salle Academy on Smith Street in what I figured was North Providence but cooda-ben just reg'lar Providence.  I was to take Its Entrance Exam Qualifier.  I didn't know why he wanted me at La Salle, THE Dominant All Male Catholic Prep-School in Rhode Island, but I was just a kid, what did I know ?

I NEVER knew what I scored, if I "got in" of not.  I figure that even IF I "got in" there was NO WAY my folks could afford the tuition.  I figured, I DID "get in".  My folks just never told me bc of the money situation.

You can see it rite ?

"NYC, just like I pictured it".

There was this time, ya know ?  We had to go to the BIG City---my Sister had an interview at The Julliard School of Music, which was probably set up by Maestro Lewis.  In case you don't know, Julliard was THE Premier Fine Arts Academy of the KNOWN Universe.  NO ONE "got into" Julliard unless they were PRODIGY geniused.  I recall sitting in the Office after she had auditioned.
The Man said something to the effect of  "Mr and Mrs DeSilva, we would be DELIGHTED to have your Daughter study here with us."

The ride home in our Chevy was dark and somber, black even and SILENT.

There wasn't gonna be no Julliard for my Sis.  There was no money for her-- Prodigy or not.

...to ryte a rong...

I hate, Hate,, HATE writing "About My Self".  I haven't had it any more difficult than MILLIONS of ZILLIONS and to ryte that my life HAS been "Severe" is ruthless Blaspheme.  All I didn't "have" was Familial Equanimity.  The Reason I have such sensitivity to "Injustice" is BC of the "Injustice" I experienced as a Kid.  "Child is Father to the Man"   Believe it !!!

Thing is Childhood "trauma" is responsible, rather, it can be viewed as "responsible", for my Ability, if it can be tagged "Ability", to detect Social Putrefaction. 

My Sister is NOT "responsible" for my------------------------deformities, quite the OPPOSITE actually.
When I returned from Swim Practice she would STILL be at the Upright in probably her THIRD hour of Training, her Voice making the Windows and Walls VIBRATE.  She WANTED.  I learned my "That" from HER.

Cry Baby Driver

I've wondered about beginning my autobiography with, "There are NO 'baby pictures' of me, yet there are many several of my Sister."  From the Beginning I was to have NONE of what my folks lavished upon my Sister.  That "That" was to be the Foundation Of My Childhood Existence, my Past, that   to   this    Day    accounts for a violent Cynicism that injects a Familial Toxicity into ALL my Social and ANTI-Social "Politics".  I relate and resonate to and with "Born Under A Bad Sign".  "If I didn't have bad 'love' I didn't have any 'love' at all".

Sis

So...   I learned my sister, Marylou, "passed", "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", at or around Christmas Day.  My Cousin / Baby Sister, Alicia D., sent me the Message, one I waited to retrieve until last night.  Don't be sad -- I didn't "know" her.

I haven't written about her bc of deep-seated Bitterness.  When she was 12 she was given Voice Lessons to be further recognized as a "Child Prodigy".  ALL the family's miniscule resources were directed to HER>> every time she had a recital she was adorned with a new dress, sometimes shoes, and by the time she entered high school she was studying from Maestro Maurice Lewis at the Rhode Island Conservatory of Music.  She received PRIVATE Instruction from him.  When he told them she needed a fucking Piano they bought one for her ---when I needed cleats and baseball trou I didn't even BOTHER to ask them.

THAT'S why I haven't written about her  -  .

Bitterness ?  Stephen be thy name.

Owe

I must leave this here.  I've been up since one o'clock, the inside of my ribs is aching, and I NEED to eat.

I gotta tell you the truth.  During one of the last few sessions, I sat across from Dr. Williams waiting for him to respond to a statement I'd made about my mother.   After 2 lifetimes he sat back and exhausted, "You failed." 

I didn't question his response.  It was my turn to sit back.

"Oh" was all I could utter.


Rock steady........steady as we go....

"Look Mom, no hands..."

As I was preparing this new mug of Joe "this" surfaced - ^ -

Some of us with intensely fucked-uP Moms always figure that if we do this One Thing, if we PLEASE our Mom, so that she FINALLY issues "I LOVE" you, then we will be fine, that we can then LIVE with the Maternal Blessing that can then give us SANCTION not only to LIVE but to be FREE our our Self-Loathing and Condemnation.  Some of us have lived our LIVES in that--------------endeavor.  Yet Here, as I was standing by the coffee brewer,  I heard this  >  "If ALL the teeny-tiny small stuff DIDN'T "Work" then maybe SAVING THE WORLD is BIG enough so that IT will "Work".

Elliot and me just want to do that ONE BIG FUCKING THING which we have perceived will FINALLY gain Maternal Approval.

How fucked-uP is that ?

UTOPIA NOW !!!!!

I have at least four chapters of my autobiography in files.  I even have COPIES of them.  When I try to read them I am filled with Revulsion.  I can't help "it" and I certainly cannot help myself. 

It is as if there is NO "Connection" between THAT "Stephen" and the one who rites THIS shit.  Had it not been for Hermann Hesse and now Sam Ismail,  this particular "I" would NEVER have bothered to try and believe that this "I" actually had something to "offer" let alone "benefit" Humankind.  Why the fuck would I think that ? 

You gotta wonder about Elliot's "Dispostion" the One in which he considered himself and HIS Salvationary Expedition as one WORTHY of Global Financial Cataclysm, Apocalypse Resulting.  What exactly "made" him think that HIS "Plan" was CAPABLE of producing Utopia ?  He EMBRACED his Addiction.  He KNEW he was "fucked-up" yet still he ventured onward. 

Why ?

"They call me Ismail" .....

What's totally fucked-uP is my "Salvation Complex".  Just as "Mr Robot" "wants" to "Save The World" so it is with me.  And when you look at this shit, I mean, when you look HARD, What is it that you see ?  "Mr. Robot" is a person DRIVEN by his Past, a Past that has mutated his Present.  His Past caused a RIP in in Psyche, a Rip is responsible for his Split Personality, what most of us recognize as CHRONIC Schizophrenia.  From the Myth and unto the Street "It" IZ  "Dr. Jeckle --  Mr. Hyde".  It's "Elliot" and his Father "Mr. Robot".  When you look EVEN HARDER, so that Penetration is "Real Eyes-d", we see that it is LONELINESS, that also DOMINATES "Elliot's" Psyche.  Sam Ismail, the Author of "Mr. Robot", depicts Elliot's Mother as an uncaring, unloving WITCH, prone to Aggravation, Irritation, Bitterness and Contempt, a One born to Scorn Weakness and Docility.   She batters Young Elliot without ANY Mercy whatsoever. 

From this Condition we can begin to understand Elliot's "Social Autism" the one of Steve DeSilva contamination.

...scowl...

There were times when Fury not only caused inner conflagration but spread to the Outside World scaring the Living and Dead Shit our of Innocent Onlookers.  Those days were Early Kung Fu Days, Days of a quiet but aggressive Humility that REEKED of an Arrogance EASILY detected by Others who also had "Chips on their shoulders".  Gunslingers, spoiling for a confrontation.  Some of those Onlookers wondered about me, the OBVIOUS if not flat-out BLATANT Disregard for PURE Humility, the GOOD Kind, the one where Kindness, Compassion,, and Caring,,, were its TRUE "Elements" and those that SHOULD have DOMINATED whatever Street Intelligence I relied upon.  It didn't.  I use to be asked, "You got all this training, why are you so fucking fucked-up ?"  I would scowl in contempt and walk away.

Cur Age

Some folks want to believe that all you have-ta do to fix the Present is return to the Past and fix THAT.  Let me tell you, confronting Demons in order to slaughter them, to be free of them, to finally SILENCE them, this is the work that requires TREMENDOUS Courage.  The bourgeois NOTION that Confrontation is non-threatening, risk free, and SIMPLE is PROFOUNDLY Preposterous.  AND, as if it couldn't get any worse, the ABILITY to Penetrate contemporary Psychological Fortifications, those Protective BARRIERS that provide Cocoon-like ARMOR, those that were built in order to secure a steadfast TIMELESSNESS, that "Ability" is "time-sensitive" >>meaning<< when I was younger, when my Life was "ahead" of me, I COULD >with the help of my Psychologists< "Brave" that Experience.  I could withstand the Torment, Tumult and Apocalyptic Atrocities I encountered.  I mean, it was either THAT or continue a downward, "burned-out" Spiral, the one where DEATH would be the Ultimate RELEASE.

In those days It was choosing Life or choosing a form of Death.  Clearly, I chose Life.

BUT ..............................

The Plague

I can't finish this---I don't WANT to finish this.

I am plagued by a Past that is itself a Plague.  I have bound myself to It.

There was a Chance here, with this, to state >> forcibly State<<<  the Why's of my incessant NEED to reside in Penitence, to condemn myself, my Selves, to a Life without Parole---.   Isn't this the Way of the Knight's of Olde, to reside in God's "Grace" >>  that of Humility and morbid Calumny ?   What right have I to be Free ?   Are we not bound by Original SIN ?  Is not the Universe one of Religious CONTAMINATION ? 

Here now the AA Infection ...  "But for the Grace of God" it could have been ME who slaughtered that Poor Innocent.

How can there be Expiation ?????

There CANNOT nor should there be.


Rock steady........steady as We go...

Not Sees

...instead they PRAISED him.  I was beside myself in silent fury.  As my Heart P-O-U-N-D-E-D  I tried to catch my breath ---times had changed.

My Bitterness > = <  as long as he was sober, they considered him a GOOD man. 

Thanks AA

Thanks a LOT.

To them it was the BOOZE that slaughtered that Woman NOT that "man" ---

He agreed.

The Blind leading the Blind ....  Not Sees all and to the last.

Waiting

My Mind was screaming   WHAT ABOUT THAT WOMAN YOU MURDERED !!!!! ????????

I buried my face in my hands.  I will confess I had nothing less than ABSOLUTE MURDEROUS INTENTION. 

I did NOT advance upon him.  Instead, I waited for the Group to recognize his LACK OF REGRET for what it was >>> DRUNKEN ARROGANCE.  I waited ~~~~~~~~~~~and waited~~~~~~~~~~.

"Listen, can you hear it ?"

Last Night, the Guest Speaker confessed that he'd killed a Some One.   I didn't want to know any details, they were supplied nonetheless.  AA Meetings sometimes will RIP your Heart from your chest.  Last night I saw my Heart before me, in the hands of That Drunken Assassin.

"Listen, can you hear it ?" 

I waited to hear Penitent Contrition.  Nothing. 

He spoke of how many cars he'd wrecked.  How many times he'd "served" time. 

As soon as he was released, he began drinking once more.

Not once 

Twice

AA = Agonizers Anonymous

I am loathe to record my AA experiences since they are suppose to be SEVERELY Personal, yet there are times when the Burden of Universal Transgression MUST be imposed upon All Of US even the Innocent.  I have a "Love / Hate" Relationship with AA.  I live in diametric OPPOSITION to its APOLITICAL Policy of NON-Confrontation i.e., AA members are NEVER advised to ask WHY since the Essence of AA is that of a Cult of Sobriety---[as Cults go, "It's one of the BEST"], but my Opposition causes an Exhaustion of Frustration --- sometimes the Litany of Cliches GRATES against not just my Heart but my SOUL as well. One of mt AA Heroes defined it for me --- "If you're still addicted to cigarettes, you aint done, you remain an ADDICT".   In short, to be "Clean" means to be TOTALLY "Clean". 

There's THAT ---  but Last Night it was sheer AGONY.

Mary Wanna

I just dug out yesterday's notes and I see that I have at least 2 more days of blogs before I can be satisfied. 

I MUST discuss the Dimension of "HY" ob getting HY and Being HY bc "Mary Jane" is a NURSE, She is "Special Medicine" that is not just a Relaxant if is a Spirit HELPER in the BEST Sense of the Ancient Shamanic Tradition.

Getting HY helps one to achieve Cosmic Consciousness.

Once you achieve Cosmic Consciousness you become an "Entity".

After THAT there is "Enlightenment BEING"  Bodhisattva.

Tomorrow we MAY get to Music.

Here's a Tease  Music is the GREAT Purifier.

Music HEALS the Soul.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Apathetical

I've taken the time to portray our Nation as The Body Politic, a "Body" which has a Mind, The Government.  Here, "It" is One Body, ONE Mind" in the Ancient Tradition of War-Time Generalship.  The GREATEST Generals see their Army as ONE "Entity".  I MUST impress upon you Kidz the Essential IMPORTANCE of perceiving the nation >OUR Nation<as one Body one Mind.  Once I establish that Significance I can point out various maladies, rashes sickness and Diseases that afflict OUR Body and OUR Mind.  "IT" allows US the Latitude of "The Nation is ME" and "I am the Nation".  Can you now see how trump "makes his shit work" ?   Thing is, he's sick, REALLY FUCKING SICK.  Thing is, He REJECTS all Medicine. 

Isn't that "true" of Us as well ? 

There's a word for that                          Apathy.

Not-Sees

Is this anything ?     Over
                                 Weight.

I'm basing my New "New-Ness" on Athenian Democracy, not the REAL One, but the one in The Odyssey, that's the one where you prayed, worked, studied the Martial Arts and took part in Community Politics.  [Com >Unity].  My personal Paradigm is Odysseus, has been since I first read the Blind Poet, Homer.  The Ancient Greeks considered the WHOLE Man not simply as Mind and Body, but as Mind Body Heart and Soul.  Now I know what you Kidz are thinking, "Where is Ancient Greece NOW ?"   It's exactly where it MUST be > in the Past <  where it belongs.  It is the Standards for "Personal Excellence" that I seek to impose upon EVERYONE.  "HY" Standards, if you will.

The "Truth" is Out There.  The very Nature of the American Conscience MUST "Change" if Change itself is to be actualized.  As a Nation we are FAILING.  We are FAILING to "Real Eyes" are own Worth.

Check this out    Nazis    NOT SEES.  We are governed by Not Sees folks that are BLIND, DEAF and  DUMB to the TRUTH. 

Zen and the Art of of Laundering

The New American Ideal Citizen has a broad 4 Position "Stance".  I have described it as Mind, Body,, Heat,,, and Soul and further included the Ancient Chinese Lao Tzu's, "The Empire is based upon the Individual", aided by Hesse attenuation of, "A Society rests upon its Artists and its Criminals"~~~ at least I HOPE I read that in Hesse's Works.  The New American Citizen devotes Energy to Meditation, Intellectual Pursuits, Physical Training and my fav ART.  [Art is my middle name, so there's THAT].

My PLAN is to influence EVERYONE with Zen Buddhist Tradition.  For the Wary, Zen "is like" A.A.'s "K.I.S.S" > "Keep It Simple Stupid"< only Zen is THAT but on STEROIDS as well.  Zen is Common Sense Spirituality ==  "I draw water, I carry wood", but with the dimension of Mysticism included as Mystical Experience, "I draw water, I carry wood."  "I wash the dishes, then dry them."  "I put my laundry in the washing machine, when the cycle is completed, I move them to the dryer."

It's THAT. 

Myrrh-dur

I have so much to do today, check that, there's so much I COULD do~~~ but it's rainy and cold, and I mean 32 degrees Cold, there's snow and sleet on everything and the VERY BIG THING I had planned is IMPOSSIBLE >>> not only that <<<  the shit I MUST do in the Tools' Room, shit that needs IMMEDIATE Attention,  I'll just postpone to INDEFINITELY, with the expectation that Indefinitely will arrive "when it does". 

X-Mess is here.  I urge you Folks to read my "This Morning" on Twitter @ desilva_stephen so you can understand the title. 

I had plans to continue the Topic of a couple of days ago, but I got one-hit HY yesterday and some shit surfaced that's well worth considering.

We, as in America, need a new Consciousness, a COSMIC Consciousness (a 1920's phrase, believe it or don't) and in MY mind the ONLY "Way" to achieve this Cosmic Consciousness is through sheer Force of WILL.  Will Power.

What I have is "WON'T Power" so there's gonna be "Fraught". 

Will Power is WANT Power.  From the 80's "You gotta wanna".

19 Hatey For

I wonder if we can adapt to the Prevailing Environment with "Healthy" Standards.  The Outcome of the Industrial Revolution has generated a Gross Joblessness that is paramount to Global Pandemic.  The Future has arrived but has NOT been able to accommodate the Vast Majority of Working Class Folks.  What the fuck HAPPENED ?

EVERYTHING HAPPENED and NOTHING Happened at the exact same time.  Candidate Yang has it RIGHT.  NO ONE "prepared" us for a Future NO ONE COULD PREDICT. 

It MAY be that Humankind now "needs" a DIFFERENT "Type" of "Entity".  How EXACTLY is THAT "gonna-happen" ??????? !

Quality of Strife

I've yet to temper my Salvation Complex.  It's gotten worse because these days I REFUSE to allow "Good" and Evil" to enter as Components to Sound Reasoning.  Claiming trump is "Evil" does no one ANY "good".  As soon as you "make" "Good" you make Evil as well.  Simmering on the Lexicon "back-burner" is the Orwellian / Persigian "High Quality <> Low Quality".  Here, one's HEALTH can be used as Universal Standard.  Still, it (to explain and describe Abnormal Negativity) is perplexing.  What ISN'T  perplexing is devising Counter-Measures since they (already) exist almost as Mathematical Formulaic Absolutes.  [ Losing Weight < = >  Increasing your caloric Output while Decreasing your caloric Input] . 

Modern Times have generated Political Toxicity, a Toxicity that drains us of Life Fulfilling Tranquility, and POISONS us with Sub-Human Cruelty on the Level PARALLEL to Hitler's Nazi Germany.  Trump is about to CONDEMN MILLIONS to Starvation by REMOVING Human Compassion from the Honor and Dignity of American Democracy that of Food Stamps for the Less Fortunate and Poverty Stricken.  His senators remain loyal. 

I am beside myself with Rage and Fury.

Yores

The uP-stairs is vacuumed, I just finished lifting,, the Tools Museum is in order,,, I changed the propane tank,,,, there's no need to prepare kim chee,,,,, and there's nothing good on TV ~~~~~~ I've run out of excuses : so here I am.

Since the cessation of Radiation Bombardment I have "improved" to somewhere around 70% >> that means I've been able to get in a couple of Afternoon "Sessions" the one that involves hitting the Speed Bag, foot hops, and THINKING about hitting my 40 pound Everlast just in-case a Th r ee  or 4 year old gets "feisty" with me.  I started the sit-up regimen with infrequent results--I only haf-ta get to 50 Total.  Push-ups are at 20 I have NO desire to add more.  Sadly, my Sword Work remains non-existent.  My left knee is un-use-able-- just Basic Motion # 5 "Stepping"> is a challenge I've yet to accept.  My body weight is FINALLY stable at a buck-79 nothing I'm proud of BUT I can still "FLY" over and on water for FIFTY Yards, THAT I AM Proud of ^^ being 68 and soon to be in my Sixty-9th Year.

I think my Hero, the GREAT Historian Plutarch, would approve (I thank Zeus, He's dead).

"Furious-er and Furious-er"

Truth is, there are MANY "Steve Steeves and Stehphens" that want access to this keyboard and screen.  It's a battle to resist the Demon Steves, since they have every rite to express themselves.  Each of the Stephens is a Facet of the Stephen DeSilva "Diamond".  And here, it is my Spiritual Desire to be a "Mirror" in which You Gize see your Selves.  Here is where "Universality" resides.
Once you see yourself IN me, I have a chance at "influence" and rite around the corner from Influence is Persuasion.

In  a World where Truth is no longer the DOMINANT feature of Social Reality there is a NEED for an Adaptation of Human Consciousness that can exist WITHOUT Truth.  It ain't like we've never "been there" and "done that", remember the Dark Ages ?   The Deal with Present Day Societal Aggravation is our INABILITY to "See Through" the Lies, Deceit and Public Political and Intellectual Fornication so that we may achieve an "Understanding" based upon UNIVERSAL "Stability".  This "Stability" is nothing short of a Psychic WHOLENESS, a Conscious Awareness that itself is the result of  the "Mutual Interpenetration" of Mind, Body Heart and Soul.  The trick is to have the DESIRE to execute this "accommodation".  That's where I "come in".


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Shadow Boxers

I have TH R EE thermometers in my Cave, I have F O U R clocks >>>>  SEVERAL lamps and      TW O heat sources.  Remember that Schizophrenia I cherish ?  I'm thinkin' I NEED all those items bc of my MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES .   Each one of my Steve's NEEDS his own Item.  You Gize think YOU have issues ???!!! ?????

Yesterday I watched Nancy Pelosi wield Catholic WRATH.  "DON'T YOU DARE ACCUSE  ME WITH THE WORD 'HATE' !!! " 

Only a few moments later there was Joe Biden >>  "YOU'RE A LIAR !!" <<

I had to hold back my FURY. 

When does "Dislike INTENSELY" "get to" "Hate" ???

Biden simply swung and missed.  He called the man a Liar but the asshole's statement was a simple parallel ...  almost an analogy. 

Joe ain't no Street Fighter.  Nancy ain't no Saint.

The ASS in World CLASS

I LOVE to keep my Standards UN-OBTAINABLE  > ~ < That way I can experience SUCCESS at GRANDIOSE Failure.  ALL of us want to be Successful.  I EXCEL at the Success of Failure.  For a while, for a   L----------O--------------N------------G  "while" I've had a hankering to be considered by INTELLIGENT Others as possessing a "World Class Mind".  "It" happened after seeing "A Beautiful Mind".  I decided I want that "Pen".  You know what the Problem is ?    Yup.  I mite  not got me no World Class Mind.   Know what Else I want ?  The "Nobel Prize for Literature".  I've yet to rite a book, but I've had EVERY GOOD INTENTION to do so.  That's a broad spectrum LIE !!!!  I've been Journaling since my First Day at U. CONN.  What I need to do is simply edit.  It's so simple I'm stupid.  Thing is--  I don't consider myself to be Universally Interesting. 

"The Daze Of Our Lives"

A couple of days ago, where "days" is code for DAZE, I sat before my beloved TEE VEE and I became overwhelmed by a Sensation of FINALITY, the DEATH Kind, the Kind where my inevitable demise washed over me as ABYSMAL Inundation.  I felt as if my molecules were being drawn from me and guess what they were being drawn IN-TO >>>>>>  (    ) .  Yup <<   The goddamn TEE VEE.  Geezus fucking Krist  ARE YOU KIDDING ME ???  Was my  "END " to be personal demolecularization the result of TEE VEE as "BLACK HOLE" ???   I shuddered.   What a fucked-uP
"Way To Go". 

I'm 67 but I FEEL like I'm 67 and a HALF.  There I was, trying to Save Humankind by watching the TEE VEE, monitoring the news outlets soes I could establish sat least ONE Topic for the Next Day's
Consideration, and all I was "getting" was a shove off the Cliff of Just Now. 

Was TEE VEE "sucking" the Life from me ?

The Hoary Hoarder

When I get "like this" I can't rite.  I sit in Chairy-Chair and search for a topic at which I can provide some sort of intelligent reflection something that can somehow trigger either appreciation or contemplative thought, although there ARE times when igniting INSPIRATION is an ancillary consideration.  Sometimes searching for a topic is like going into a landfill,  ANY  Landfill, and kicking around items of refuse, trash and dis-ordered recyclables in a vain attempt at connecting Discharge with Cosmic Charge.  Elsewhere, I've described my own Mental Landfill as being the size of Oklahoma.  It's nothing I'm proud of, since my Land-"full" borders on being a Hoard~~ which MAY be "acceptable" IFF a Library is ALSO considered a Hoard.  Don't get me started on being a Horde-r.

Hellth

I gotta go out and push some snow around.  I've already fed the birds, but I'll brush the plywood I laid down this morning and add some feed.  It will make me feel "good".

We NEED to excise trump,  the WORLD needs to have trump excised.  We NEED it in order to begin to regain our Health. 

Have we not had enough of Hell-th ?

Here, "half-measures avail us NOTHING".

Impeachment is only the the Beginning.


Rock steady........steady as We go....

Freedumb

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't" ISN'T "valid" in this instance. Although the PC was gonna neutralize my dick ANYWAY  why not just "gut it out" and save myself from Radiation Bombardment - Debilitation resulting ?   Why NOT let the shit-cans "have their way" and let the Cancer "take its course" a course that will eventuate as Cancer Death as well ? You know the answer,
"Quality of Life".  Short Term disaster is NULLIFIED by Long Term Health.  So simple --it's stupit.

The rats' "Indecision" in whether or not to Fight by Mirroring shit-can "tactics" has resulted in Political Impotence.  Here, Radiational Bombardment is preferred.  The Bombardment of Social Media, Twitter as Canon, Face-book as Nuke, actually MIRRORS trump's Campaign of Terror. 

Here's the Deal with that ---as Humans WE UNDERSTAND TERROR.

We also understand NUCLEAR DEVASTATION. 
As much as I HATE IT
The A Bomb ended WW II.

Are we to be free of its Affects ? 

No     fucking     way   .

I'm Potent

Let's test my Metaphor.

I claim "trump is Cancer" >>therefore, he and his minions, the American Senate and republicans in general, must also be Cancer.

Not let's get "Site Specific" and be forewarned this is about to get "tight".

I "had", and may still "have" Prostate Cancer.  Let's refer to my Prostate as the democratic party.  The republi-cans , the shit- cans are as a Cancer on the Body Politic represented by the democ-rats.  Medical Science KNOWS that Prostate Cancer can SHORTEN ONE'S LIFE.  Now, what can neutralize the shit-can Cancer ?  Excision, removal of the Prostate, [THAT was never an option for me] OR, Radiation Bombardment.  Either Way, SOMETHING "had to be done".  The Body Politic COULD NOT sustain that shit-can Cancer.  In other words, republican Cancer is a vast and rabid DETRIMENT to the Body Politic. 

Ideally the shit-can Cancer was to be Radiationally DESTROYED, leaving behind a Clean but severely wounded Prostate.  Doctor Prostate alarmed, "You're gonna become Impotent". 
The Radiation Bombardment that was-gonna KILL the Cancer, was gonna render me IMPOTENT.

Let that sink in.

The Body Politic

Also Yesterday, I generated a Metaphor that I could use to promote MY understanding, an Understanding that includes MY Desire to Save The World From Itself and an Ancillary, to INFLUENCE you Gize toward a Zen Buddhist Orientation, an Orientation that manifests as Spiritual Common Sense.  The "Thing" about Metaphor, it's gotta work, and work under ALMOST all "Conditions".  If it FAILS to induce Comprehension, then OBVIOUSLY the Metaphor is flawed, at which point it becomes useless at best, at worse, pathetic. 

I used the so-called "Body Politic" to convey the American Collective Consciousness [Conscience] (Con  [with]  Science i.e.,  with Science) and its conjoined, American Electorate, in order to convey a One-Ness, "One Land, Land of the Brave, HOME of the Free", a One-Ness that, at present, is Fractured, Splintered and Fractal-ed, because of a rabid Schizophrenia  the result of GENERATIONS of  WAR, Media Bombardment in the form of Propaganda, both Commercial and Political, and a Cult Specific Apathy, the DE-Generation of Self, the one that manifests as Ego-Centricity. 
The Utopia of,  "We are all created Equal" MEANS We all have HUMAN Form.

I needed to start with THAT.

Puritanica

Yesterday I left with the Puritans.  I NEED you Kidz to see WHY.

The Puritans did NOT bring Slavery with them nor did they encounter Slavery among the Indigenous.

We do NOT have to understand the ORIGIN of Slavery, we need only understand that WHITE Europeans could NOT "Imagine" a Life of Wealth and Luxury that did NOT depend upon Slavery in all its forms and manifestations.

Elsewhere I have noted that as Americans we are BORN INTO  the American "Original Sin" that of Slavery.  I have claimed that America itself is nothing less than FEUDALISTIC "Plantationism", where "Feudalism" is a Bi-Polar Economy of Land Owners and All Others and Planationism is  (a) Capitalistic Feudalism that MAINTAINS "Serfdom" in its Primal-ly degenerative form, that of Slavery.

I wanted to exaggerate the "Pure" in Puritans because of their Devotion to Freedom, Freedom in the form of Freedom TO BE THEMSELVES AND WORSHIP WHO AND WHAT THEY WILL.

There's this Migratory Mantra ::   "At least HERE we can be FREE."

U.S.

I've tried to foist upon you Kidz the Conceptualization that the "Body Politic", of which I am so fond, IZ OUR NATION.  There is one and ONLY One Body Politic that of OUR Nation, One Body Under Heaven.  The REASON I use ONE Body is so that I can affix MY "Prevailing Conditions", the Schizophrenia, the Bi-Polarization,, the Hyper-Tension,,, the G.I.R.D.,,,, my beloved Social Autism,,,,  and rite up in there with them,,,,, my Dyslexic Dysfunction.  I use MY Maladies to describe OUR Sicknesses, Diseases and Cultural Pandemics.  It's the whole Writers' Thing, the one where you MUST > "Write About What You Know"< , thus, I can achieve and maintain a "level" of  Authenticity of Genuine-Ness that keeps me...............................influential.

Here's the Thing about that Thing.  It is my PAST, the Stephen who studied, trained, and worked that has "rescued" me, rather, that Past of Ideals that has grown and Matured within this Present Stephen. 
I NEED you Kidz to see that America's PAST, the Good One the EARLY One, possessed those IDEALS that can help us NOW.  I have written elsewhere that I BELIEVE listening to 70's Music can aid us in RECOVERY--that the Themes expressed by Conduits of Heaven will be of ENORMOUS Benefit should we avail ourselves to their reintroduction.

In that SAME Way, Those now ANCIENT Ideals MUST be "recovered" NOT re-covered. 

Great Britain is on the verge of Orwellian Socialism. 

The PURITANS migrated from Great Britain.

Consider.......


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Commander Obvious

Before, as in Before,, I argued for Orwellian Socialism bc it GUARANTEED an Economic Jurisprudence based upon "The Needs Of The People".  I echoed Orwell's Call for GOVERNMENT OWNER-SHIP, Ship,, ship,,, of Utilities, Energy, Transportation and Agriculture.   Exactly how is it possible for ONE man to own Land ALL THE WAY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH ?????
It makes no sense.  How can it ?

I see, I can't help but see, in Orwell's Socialism,, the very FUNDAMENTALS of BUDDHIST Political COMPASSION.  The Compassion that INSISTS > "Our Nation is OUR Nation", <  as a Collective, as a Whole.  Folks speak of Unification, they espouse Political UNITY yet HOW is this to be achieved ?  Orwell is Commander Obvious >  A "Successful Government" GUARANTEES a Successful Populace < , where "Successful" is code for "Prosperous"  [prosper-US].

Know what the "Catch" is ?   I mean, you KNOW what the "Catch" is.

Tw o words     >>
Reformation.

Conned Fusion

We live a hardscrabble existence of scratch and claw, the One were just making a Living, finding suitable employment that ISN'T Slavery and then finding a suitable Mate with whom you can scratch and claw, SEEMS to be, to appear as, ALL THAT MATTERS.  To me and gize like me  It isn't.

It's no secret that I write (rite, ryte, right) to influence you Kidz by introducing, when appropriate, Zen Buddhism as a means of Personal Salvation.  "Salvation" in THIS context means to be at Peace with your own Head, where "Head" means Mind.  Getting a "GOOD" Job and finding your ONE are ESSENTIAL to this Peace of Mind.  But look around.  Folks with GREAT jobs and SUPER-GREAT Partners seem just as distressed as the rest of Us.  Unfulfilled, Dis-Satisfied, Incomplete, Disconnected, dour adjectives each and every, describe Us and our Civilization.  Call Captain Obvious because SOMETHING IS MISSING. 

It is the same for The Body Politic that THAT which manifests PERSONAL Salvation as POLITICAL Expediency.  Clearly it AINT Happening !  Look at the American President.

Go ahead.......Look.

Rob-rot

There's an absolutely PUNISHING scene in the TV (soon to be Classic) Myth "Mr. Robot".  Elliot, the Protagonist, has just CRIPPLED the GLOBAL Financial Infrastructure, the result of HIS Schizophrenia and Abject LONELINESS, and stands before a Victim who lashes, "Why Eliot, WHY DID YOU DO IT ??? "  There's a grotesquely PREGNANT Pause, >> Eliot's face is contorted by CATASTROPHIC Confusion,>>  he rejects Abortion but can Birth only, "I wanted to save the World." 

I have spoken those words, I LIVE to speak those words.   I Manifest those Words daily. 

I have teased you Kids with my own Salvationist Extremeism . 

WHY I want to "Save The World" is THE DOMINANT FACTOR .

To go Orwell / Jung "Mind-meld" ===

Saving the World MEANS Saving myself.

..."collocations of vocables"...

The title is a phrase I chanced upon in one of George Orwell's "Essays".  I am a collocator , guilty of collocation.  This morning, when I awoke , I did NOT know I was guilty of collocation.  Life sucks, you get old and then you learn you're a collocutionist.  Did NOT see that coming OBVIOUSLY. 

I had every GOOD Intention to review my scant knowledge of Orwellian Socialism in an attempt to provide REASONABLE access to Orwellian Governmental Ideology.  Instead, as I was reading the Table of Contents, I saw; "Politics And The English Language">> I turned to its pages and there I was, underlined, scribbled, scrawled and notated within ORWELL'S  Mind !  I continued to read MYSELF and ALL THE RONG THINGS WRITERS WRITE, the Kind that moved Orwell to badmouth "Our Own." 

I was taken aback when I read this , "If you use ready-made phrases, you not only don't have to hunt about for words ;   you also don't have to bother with the rhythms of your sentences, since these phrases are generally so arranged as to be more or less euphonious."

In a crackheadzillion YEARS I wouldn't be caught DEAD with that italicized segment as part of ANY Sentence Structure. 

That particular mendicant copy of collocation is as VULGAR as vocables can "get".

...there's a Zoo too...

I use-ta bemoan my Mental State by issuing the FACT that I have an Orphanage of ALL my Wounded Inner Kidz living in Woe-iz-mee County.  I've come to realize that the Orphanage is NOT the only institution in that State.  There's a PENITENTIARY .  There's a ZOO too .

When I'm "Not my self" you gotta figure I'm in one of THOSE Institutions.

THIS is why I LOVE to salve, 
I do NOT wish to be responsible for ANY Negativity. 

I must be going.
In fact
I CAME to say,
"I must be going."


Rock Steady.........steady as She goes....

Inner Sinner

We can "Psychologize" that one's Inner Core, or Inmost Being is that of  Some Wicket Cosmic Superhuman Entity, like Jesus or Buddha.  Yeah I can agree with that TO A POINT > . <   Even though I KNOW that  the Path of the Bodhisattva is the Galactic SUPREME  I can't walk that Path.  I use if for "Orientation" and not much else.  I have resigned myself >  IN THIS LIFETIME <  to treading a Path that leads toward Rebirth into Fertile Buddha Fields,  Buddhist code for, being reborn NEAR a Temple, and born to Parents who resource Spirituality.  Here, I believe I NEED access to MY PRIMITIVE Instinct-Uality which MAY be triggered by Karmic Conditions.  I NEED this manner of Self Protection to (get this) protect my "Self" from my self.

There is a NATION of Stephens who demand "Voice". 

My Obstinate Bronco Bucks ^^^^^^^^^ ---
My Kung- Fu Cobra has "Fangs".
My Birth Dragon breathes FIRE.

Because I am a Swordsman  I have an Edge.

Chuang Fu translates "Inner Truth".  Be wary of this "Inner".

"Bathed In Lightning"

I have been indicted for "Using the Past to construct a Future" otherwise know as "Living In The Past"....  I have argued elsewhere that MY "Past" is the Foundation of TODAY'S Reality.  The Stephen that use to lift in his Youth >>  is the Stephen that CONTINUES to lift THESE days.  Then there's the Stephen who, In The Past, could NOT "write", and THAT "Stephen" must NOT be allowed anywhere the Modern Stephen who CAN ryte.  These tw o inhabit the SAME body but have completely DIFFERENT Minds.  Woe I say, WOE is me.

I cited the Tibetan Master Milarepa who, in his Youth, EXTINCTED villages and their residents with his Black Arts Sorcery .  Ugly was he, Hideous and Grotesque.  But then, Somethin' Happened.
He became the student of an EVEN  MORE POWERFUL THAN HE Master , who guided him to a Cave and condemned, "See you in T-W-E-N-T-Y  Y----E----A----R----S !!!!"

When Milarepa emerged he was BATHED IN LIGHTNING. 

From MONSTER to Bodhisattva >>>>>>

"Shit happens" and so does "Change".

...from the transitive verb, to Destiny

I continued my argument by trying to remind folks that ALL of US have the NATURAL Inclination toward dismissing OBVIOUS Negativity and FAVORING Positivity..... > Let me remind you Kidz further >> If we were to remain steadfastly focused on the shortcomings, drawbacks, ire-resolutions and Psycho- Opathy of our Most Beloved Intimate and Closest Friends & Allies aint ONE of us gonna"Get Laid" and NOT ONE OF US is gonna have a Friend in ANY fucking Neighborhood.  IN ORDER TO SURVIVE we MUST exert our STRONGEST Pressure on the Concentration of GOODNESS, the One that affords Us Relief and Respite that we may continue the Trudge to Death that this Existence Destinys.

I KNOW we don't need another fucking OLD-WHITE-PLUTOCRAT-ELITIST, but if HE'S THE ONLY ONE then by IFF definition, HE'S THE ONE.

I KNOW about his "Stop and Frisk" Atrocity.  Know what ??     I DON'T CARE bc I CAN'T CARE--
If I do NOT "Compartmentalize" then I MUST endure the AGONY of "What if".

I am unwilling to endure that kind of Misery.

The Rats of Pluto

I've come "under attack" because I claimed Bloomberg, an old-White-Guy-X-republican, MAY be the ONLY Candidate who is CAPABLE of beating Trump into Submission.  My HERO Anand Giridharadas ,  DID "Say it best" when he hacksawed, "We don't need another Plutocrat in Office".  I GET  that :   > HOWEVER< , There is an ABJECT NECESSITY to BURY trump ALIVE with a LANDSLIDE of Democrat WILLS.  I argued that THIS ONE TIME it MAY be NECESSARY to "Fight Fire with FIRE" and I used the  MMA and BOXING example of "Fighting in one's own weight class."  Sending in the Midget Wrestling Champion of Tai Pei Common and Singapore Province is UN-LIKELY to be to our UTMOST ADVANTAGE.  It's the Whole Thing of "It takes one to KNOW one"  "Deal".

And I could and WOULD survive the "Let's IMPEACH DeSilva" were it not for Psychology, the UNDERLYING Foundation of Miss Understanding.  Here it is that HUMAN NATURE, at least ONE Facet of It, EXPLAINS the VALUE of "Compartmentalization" the One that locks-away JUDICIOUS Negativity in a deep dark corridor of HORROR, exampled by Noble Peace Prize Winner Obama, who was responsible for the slaying of HUNDREDS by his Drones.

We COMPARTMENTALIZE this Human Atrocity in favor of SECURING his Compassionate BRILLIANCE. 

Know what ?   FUCK YOU !!!!

It AINT "workin' for me now and it may NEVAH. !

...crapets...

I gotta leave this here.  It's almost time  for Fareed Zakaria and I still gotta vac the carpets which have become crapets. 

I was stunned to read that in past few days I have had over 500 readers.

What happened ?


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

The gross in grocery ~~

So just now as I was loading the Coffee Maker with cinnamon, the entire contents of the cinnamon container spilled into the coffee filled paper basket filter.  I began to shovel it back into the original container but HUGE amounts of coffee was also being removed.  I had to get the BIG "Chock Full Of Nuts" grain elevator in which to empty the entire paper basket filter.  I chastised myself bc I HAVE a specialty cinnamon shaker container that pulses INCREMENTAL amounts into the coffee filled paper basket filter,which is made from recycled waste from Hatti and the Dominican Republic who allow ample "Use" of the Paper and Rag Waste in their Dumps and Landfills.   It puts the gross in grocery .

When I returned I went for my reading glasess ["I have brand new eyes from Cataract Removal and Lens Replacement and now I can't see for shit] and they had turned into Invisible, either that or I'd be FORCED to commit Suicide bc I'm a complete fucking IDIOT !

I split into mulllllllllltttiiiiippppllllllleee  Steves.  You know how, "One hand doesn't know what the other is doing ?"   Well with me it's "[A] Stephen STOLE my fucking glasses and NOW I gotta KILL him."

Ya know Kids
First the Cinnamon gets dumped RUINING 5 seconds worth of inattentive behavior and next thing I know I'm on a Search and Destroy Mission to kill    The Asshole Who Spilled The Cinnamon And Then couldn't Find His Glasses.

You can't BUY this kind of delightful Misery.  All bc I crave coffee.

Constant Raving

I've written in "Else-Where" that had I NOT " gotten 'into' " Sword I would have killed myself in Long Ago.  Alcoholism was an Addiction that served as BARRIER.   It NUMBED me to the World, it allowed me live WITHOUT Love.  Indeed, if ever you are of the mind, seek out Constant Craving by Dr. Doreen Virtue ( I shit you NOT, that's her name, "Virtue")  a Knowing Ms. I saw in and interview.  When asked about Booze she Betty Boop-ed, "Oh that's an easy one---craving Booze is craving LOVE." 

As someone whose Mother did not and COULD not Love, you MAY well understand that there WASN'T enough Booze in the UNIVERSE to satisfy my NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED !

"Back" Pain

I'm SUPPOSE-TO be writing about how I've turned into my Mother the Witch.  I DID promise that.  Problem is > , <  that Particular Stephen is nowhere to be found, at least this morning.  If he WERE here, he'd be writing about how his Heart got so scarred, and that it got so shriveled, that it is INCAPABLE of Love.  HOW it got so grotesquely mangled could take MONTHS of Psychological Examination and CLINICAL Exploration but HOW can that be of ANY Value to my Readers since the Summary would be the doltish, "Don't be like me" or  "Try to AVOID the Suffering with which I have impaled myself. "  OBVIOUSLY ,    "THAT don't work neither".

I'm at "stall" because of Reticence, the reluctance of  "unwilling", the Unwilling NESS of delving into the Past, the Past that CONTINUES to generate Suffering.  In Buddhism there are, what's referred to as, the "Three Worlds".   They are "The Past, The Present, and The Future."   It's annoyingly bewildering that these "Worlds" are "Ongoing", meaning you CAN "visit" the Past, you CAN "visit" the Future and you CAN "live there" as you do now, in the exact same way as you live in the Present. 

The PROBLEM with that is quite complex.  In an event where you are transported, is your PRESENT Consciousness transported WITH you, or is it somehow excised in order to have you "fit in" ? 

When I "go back" in Time, when I drag myself BACK, I expose myself to the Agony of the Past, the one that generates "IT" in an "Ongoing" manner. 

It HURTS to go to Back.

The YOU-Niverse

I suffer from "Cosmic Extraction".  I find it necessary to impose Cosmic Intention onto just about EVERYTHING, figuring, as Jung did, "There's no such (a) thing as "Coincidence".  As I was tearing up the Weight Room I found Last Summers Marijuana "Harvest", which, when properly processed, (baked into Magic Brownies ) >> produces HEAVENLY Defilement, the one of SUPER- SENSATIONAL Physicality, Wonder, Tickle, Flit and Wiggle. 

But the suspenders ... Is it JUST me or can you Gize appreciate that I had to SUSPEND, writing my twitter column in order to locate my suspenders ?   The You-Niverse wanted me to SUSPEND my efforts, I was being HELD-uP by the Universe.  It was a "Hold-uP" >>>  I was getting ROBBED !!!

You can see it Rite ?

Me too.

Suspended Suspension

This morning  I sat before this screen prepared, (I THOUGHT prepared) to do a HOLE Thing on the 10 Commandments, mainly because the other day, while I was doing laundry, this surfaced >>> "Thou shalt NOT bear (bare) false witness against thy neighbor" >> a "Thing" which the Swamp King Thing aka donald chump, sack-religions (sacrileges) simply as a matter of Course.  As I was typing I realized I was Empty, and NOT in a "good" Buddhist Way but in the Writer's Block-Head sorta way, the one where I approach the Abyss and see the Void and figure, wow, I got NOTHIN'. 

I pushed the seat back and went to lift but my old threadbare and nearly shredded Carhartt flannels, that double as pajamas, needed suspenders but when I went to locate them they became invisible---it's either that or I had to commit Suicide FOR FAILING TO REMEMBER THEIR EXACT LOCATION!   I tore up the Weight room, the (Can't) Walk Into Closet, the Cave and then back around AGAIN just on-accounta I'm INSANE.  There's NOTHING quite like self-brutality the one where mental flagellation is the ONLY way to punish one's-self for indiscriminate STUPIDITY.

WHY must I make a CONCERTED Effort to remember where I place important items ???????

What worse is that I IMMEDIATELY Elevate "suspenders" to Cosmic Ramifications.









 

My Mother the Witch

It's 1:16 a.m.   I've gone as far as I can in this my beloved Darkness.  I'm gonna continue this tomorrow but with a vastly different slant.

Let me tease you with this ::

I've become my Mother   ---    My Mother the Witch.

The Mother who could not love.  That's it ---  that's me.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Love -- A Miracle Style

Not many Folks are geared to accept, "All Existence entails Suffering".   It's understandable of course.  Who wants to believe that the Nature of Existence is Suffering ?   Isn't it far EASIER to believe that the True Nature of the Universe is LOVE ?  After all, isn't God LOVE ?  Thing with that, and hear I holler Ludwig Feuerbach, "If God is Love, [then] is Love God ?"   Tough one.

Here's one :  God is Love, I LOVE pizza, God must be PIZZA.

See ?

My deal is that the World of Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy DOESN'T make much sense to me.  But in the REAL World, it makes PERFECT Sense.  THIS is why I'm Mentally Ill.   I have NEVER been able to reconcile Buddha's World with the REAL World.  It's not as if I've Tried however, it appears as IMPOSSIBLE.

My newest challenge, perhaps my GREATEST CHALLENGE OF ALL TIME, is to make an effort to live in the World of Happy Happy Joy Joy.

Dues and Don'ts

I've projected a Two World "Condition".  Joseph Campbell of The Hero With A Thousand Faces fame describes "Master of Both Worlds" a Heroic Individual who has "Mastered" Existence in the Realms of Heaven and Earth, which I have assiduously "dumbed-down" to Academia and Street/Gutter.  Because of my Education and Private Studies, because I have a Degree from a University and because of all my Street and Gutter Occupations, Trades and Experiences I feel that I am FULLY  Capable of "Operating" in the Both of these "Realms".  I know BOTH languages,  I've done my time and paid my dues. 

If only That was the Ease of it.

I got it rong.

The Worlds are  >>>   The World of NORMALITY and the World of Fantasy.

I don't speak the language of Normality no good.

First I Look At The Curse

The title is from J. Geils Band >=   "First I Look At The PURSE"  .   The ONLY J. Geils Band Album you Kidz will EVA Need is "LIVE    FULL HOUSE"  >> .    But that's a blog series for another day.

I used this title to hy-lite that Some guys need MONEY to open up their heart bank.  When you have J. Geils  TALENT I suppose you can make that kind of a Demand.  Most of us do NOT have that talent,, so we look for Other Things "First".  But I digress...... .

I love using, "We create our own Perceptual Reality".  It's fancy, slick and smooth and can go unchallenged because it appears as "Self-Evident".  It's HARDLY "Self-Evident".  Here's the Question, "WHAT do we use to create this Perceptual Reality ?  Ah Yes >>>  THAT !
Here, Philosophy MAY be the antecedent we MUST use to begin our Creation.  Here it is that I have chosen The First Nobel Truth  "All Existence Entails Suffering". 

Here MAY be the root of my Adulthood Schizophrenia The One that has multiple Stephens trying to exist in a World where Suffering is regarded as an Essence to be AVOIDED. 

Buddhism as the Source of my Mental Illness .....................anybody buying that ?

Deploration

When I have a Sword in my hand, or a chainsaw, or almost ANY tool, I do NOT have to "prove" myself to ANYBODY >>  my work "Speaks" for itself << .  But place a pen, in this instance a keyboard and screen, and lo and behold Confidence evap----or-------a------t--------e----------  s  .
Put a Broad in front of me and I'm fucked <>  and NOT in the Good Way.
My X once ended, "I love you but I can't TAKE you 24 7."   Crissy Hind and her Pretenders do a mob hit that riots, "Your demands were unending."  So it was..... I understood her.   All I wanted was EVERYTHING.  I can cackle at that, even sneer.

I THINK that's why I'm writing tonite---to defend myself AGAINST my own Insanity, my own Mental Illness, my own Social Autism, my own Bi-Polarism, my own Blindingly Selfish-Icity, you know the one, the one whose Arrogance cloaks unrelenting Inferiority and not the GOOD Kind, the one of Humility >>> ^ <<<  But the one of inexorable Deploration  (deplorable-ness), the one that causes me to manifest [on the street] with "menacing intensity". 

That's why I try to stay off the Streets, stay AWAY from Innocents.

Were I rich I'd be a reclusive Eccentric, thing is I'm NOT rich, the exact OPPOSITE actually >> so all THAT makes me is fucked-uP.

The Rite Suff .......

You Kidz know I've tagged myself with Mental Ill-ship.  It's safe, I THOUGHT it was safe ->- It's like a warning, a Caution NOT to take me TOOOOOO Seriously, mainly because I CHOSE to live in a Fantasy Realm of Spiritual Hardship, Misery and Materialistic Idolatry, the one that decries Wealth, Political Status and Stereotypical Superficiality.  I've defended this Realm by claiming I am in a constant WAR against Ignorance, I loathe Ignorance, and since I myself and TRULY Ignorant, Self-Loathing is my most Intimate and Cherished "Friend".  I have other "Friends"  Loneliness, Co-Lateral Abandonment, and it's weird that their proximity is a Source of an unrelenting Suspicion that forces me to regard their ABSENCE as savagely punishing.  You normal folks CRAVE Happiness, I FEAR It.  When things are "All RIGHT" that's the Time my Senses get tuned to "Catastrophe".

I've rit-ten this before and I'll rite it once more > !!>>  I love to Suffer, Suffering  makes me Happy.

This makes me devastatingly ILL-suited for Existence in your World.

Life is but a scheme...

I've got a raging migraine, my tinnitus is searing my brain to shreds, I'm exhausted and I can't sleep.  Do I win ?

I must confess, it's no longer funny to write > Anywhere I start is the Beginning.   There's no grace in that, it's crass, if not flat-out brutish...  oh well...... .

I lie in bed praying intermittently, wondering about a God who may or may not Exist,  I choose "Exist" mainly to cover my ass, cover my bases, I consider it "Spiritual Insurance".  There IZ a Solace in a Benevolent Cosmic Intelligence, but Its seeming arbitrary-ness lends itself to Absurdity, sometimes Grotesque >>> the Higher Power that is said to have sobered me, >  Isn't that the Same Higher Power that inflicted me with Alcoholism in the first place ?   See what I mean ?   It's why I devised, American Transcendental Absurdist Cynicism --- to label Impossible Incomprehension Paralysis resulting.

I had a really terrific, at least what I thought MITE be Terrific  Opening.   Remember that line in Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching  "A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step "  I figure i would rite,
The journey of the Last Mile begins with a trip and fa
                                                                                       l
                                                                                            l.

It means I'm on that last mile, the mile that leads to Death.


 

"They became what they beheld".

In the same way that Communism collapsed and from its debris putin's Corruptionism emerged ;  so it is with Democracy and trump's Corruptionism. 

In the EXACT Same Way that putin IZ Russia, so it is that trump IZ America.

We have become what we have beheld.


Rock Steady........steady as She goes....

The Orange CRUSH

I almost began this Blog by using trump and his life to describe the Failure of Parental Guidance.  Trump personifies ALL That Is Negative About Parental Protection >> Political Atrocity resulting.  As I went to refill my coffee mug, I got mugged by my own Toynbee-esque Consideration.  Way back in a Long Time Ago I argued that the End Of Democracy "was when" America Radioative-ly INCINERATED Millions of Japanese CIVILIANS.  I swear there could NEVER be a Greater Human Atrocity.  Americans talk about "Ethnic Cleansing" after THEY applied Radioactive EXTERMINATION to an entire Nation.  It can't get more fucked-uP than that.

In this regard, I label the Election of trump as the END of the American Democratic Republic, since the Will of the MAJORITY was summarily DISMISSED as INSIGNIFICANT by a GROTESQUE Minority, that of the American Electoral College, the very Same that was SUPPOSE to ENSURE that a COMMON CRIMINAL could NOT ascend to the Presidency.

Look what happened. 

Trump as The Orange CRUSH.

..."my parents pay"...

I've been searching for the Cause for The Downfall of the American Republic.  The Cause shifts depending on the Metaphor employed.  For instance, if I use AA as a Paradigm I can issue that The Cause for The Demise of American Democracy is Lack of "Vigilance" >>> that's the one where we, as Alcoholics, get lulled into a Sense of Security, the One where, "It's OK if I have just one drink".  Next thing we know we're back in the "Spin-dry" for Round 2.  In a Democratic State, there is an ABJECT Need for Politician and Policy SCRUTINY, a Scrutiny that GUARANTEES, the monitoring of Potential Corruption so that it can be excised BEFORE it becomes cancerous.  In America there is an attitude of Significant "NON-Confrontation", the one where if a Something does NOT directly effect ME then "IT" is of no consequence.

Presently, I'm of the Belief that this "Attitude-As-Condition" is the manifestation of a Genetic FLAW in the DNA of Democracy.  Democracy can work ONLY in an Environment of INTENSE Observation.  No Observation No Purity.

It ain't "Just That".  Besides the Genetic Pre-Disposition resides the Prevailing Social Order which allows Sloth, indeed, an Order which GUARANTEES Failure of the Social Level and THIS Flaw, I believe has its origin and source in Familial (Parental) DIS-Order.

In an Effort to PROTECT their offspring Parents have quite unwittingly provided a Growth Medium that Viruses Apathy.

Gallogly and I once asked a U.Conn Co-Ed what it cost them to attend.  "I don't know my parents pay."

See it ?

No "Skin in the Game"

For those of us growing-up in the late 60's the Threat of Conscription was "over our heads" at all times, at least for us Males.  I had High School Classmates who KNEW they were going to Viet Nam and that was "IT" for them.  When I heard them laugh and joke about it I felt sickened.  At least I had a chance with a "2S" Deferment.  I played Little League, Junior High and High School Baseball with this guys, I could NOT understand the ease in which they viewed WAR.

The Deal with that shit is referred to as "Skin In The Game", our lives were "at Stake", we were lashed to the Mast, kindling and wood beneath our feet, because of the Prevailing Political Propensity to arrest the Threat Threat and Incursion of Communism, the one that bastardized, "Take Up The White Man's Burden" and transmogrifiablly ignited it into, "The RED Scare". 

I WAS SCARED. ALL of us were scared.  Every night on the Evening News we saw the corpses of the Heroic Fallen, being carried and dragged to impatient Huey "choppers", amid the background of Mindless Broadcasters trying to soothe us with, "Well It was a GOOD Day We killed more of them than they killed us."

It sickened me then--it sickens me now, but NOW it's even worse.  Know why ?

NO ONE GIVES A SHIT !

Know Why ?

No "Skin In The Game."

Hong Kong Strong

I hope at least A Few Of You, remember the Ukraine Barricade Resistance.  The Ukrainians were Protesting Russian Imperialist Hegemony, what they considered INVASION, which ultimate manifested as the Annexation of Crimea, and the INVASION of Eastern Ukraine, the Territory of Russian owned Oil Pipeline, the One upon which the E.U. depends for its LIFE.

There was film footage of the Ukraine Work Force as ARMY behind Street Trash and Pallet Fortifications, IN SUB-ZERO ARCTIC/SIBERIAN TEMPERATURES, "Holding Their Own" in PATRIOTIC Defense of Ukraine WESTERN Ideology, the Ideology of  "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." 

My Heart ACHED for them, as it does Now for the Hong Kong Throng. 

I grew up with Protests, Marches and Sit-In Barricades.  I recall that Anti-War desks were situated in the Student Union, EVERY Day, with Protests on the Weekends.  Our Friends were being SLAUGHTERED In Viet Nam, as were The Indigenous.

We OPENLY condemned Human Failure Atrocity resulting.

Where has all that Power gone ?

Hong Kong

The other Sunday, or it cooda-been 2 HUNDRED Sundays Ago, Farred Zakaria presented The "Arab Spring" as a complete FAILURE.  Nothing was achieved, and Things, may have even take a Turn for The Worse.  Street Power, the Power of March & Protest, served only to ignite the Right to exert ITS Power, to castrate and lobotomize the People through Starvation and Thirst.  The Starvation for Prosperity, the Thirst for Justice and Equanimity. 

"The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Zakaria then focused on Hong Kong and the Protests There, Protests whose duration has exceeded an unimaginable Length.  Here, not only have the Youth of Hong Kong "taken it to the Streets", they have been joined by their Parents, Shopkeepers, Family Business Owners, and to some extent, Corporations themselves, who fear dissolution as Capitalist Enterprises. 

The People are Protesting for what they see as THEIR WAY OF LIFE,  a life presented to them by the British, who introduced them to Parliamentary Democracy.  Now they are threatened by what I will tag as The Tibet Syndrome, the one where a City-State Nation was CONSUMED by Chinese Dictatorial Atrocity.

Hong Kong Fear was made REAL by Chinese "Insistance".

Shove, American Style

It appears that American Democ-rats have NO interest in prevailing upon 18 year olds to enter the American Political System as a Power-Vote Army, choosing instead, to court, if "court" can be used, those Voters that got out of their EZ Chairs to vote for The Hope Dope, Mister Change himself, Kill-them-with-drones Obama.  Supposedly, in a War, EVERY effort is applied to acquire WHATEVER Forces that can be utilized to achieve Victory.

The reasons for this faithless mis-trust may be nefariously multifarious, and although I am PERSONALLY responsive to, "These kids are clueless IDIOTS", that tag MAY be inappropriate at best, at worst, an insightful PROJECTION of my own mental rigormortis, of the BAD sort, the one that labels me, "A Holder-On Of The Past".  I have been accused, violently accused, of "Living In The Past", the Past of Childhood Trauma, Parental "Mis-Management", High School Conscription Anxiety, and The Viet Nam War, which DOMINATED University Political Consciousness.

I am of the Conviction that The Past has made me what I am today.

HY Tymes and Misty Cleaners

I gotta leave this here.  Later on I'm gonna get HY , bleach my toilette and shower area, while listening to Ear Bleeding VOLUME.  There will I seek refuge in Daily Toil and Stereo Consolation.

Some of you may remember I warned you Gize that if trump got elected he would induce the New Dark Ages.  So he has and so it has become.  Hatred, Fear and GREED has made America Grate Again.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Pelosi the Grate

I'm gonna blame Pelosi for the Collapse of the American Republic. 

Her unwillingness to adhere to CONSTITUTIONAL Obligations and Duties has opportuned trump's Corruption to administer GLOBAL Atrocities to Humankind.

Once she ascended to the Office of President Once Removed, she should have WEAPONIZED Human DECENCY  and ATTACKED trump and his for their SUBHUMAN Cruelty.

Trump's Unconditioned Surrender to putin IZ trump putting a bullet through Ms Liberty's skull and into her brain IN BROAD DAYLIGHT while standing on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Trump the Great had done it. 

He said he would.

Pelosi took no notice.

Trump the Great

It was Constantine the Great who moved the capitol of the Roman Empire, Rome, to Byzantium, and so renamed the capitol as "Constantinople". 

Now hold on as I make Parallel with Trump's Departure from New York State to Florida, and in so doing REMOVING Washington D.C, as American Empire capitol and making the NEW capitol, Trumpistan, Florida. 

Constantine has been aggravated for making Christianity the Religion of the Empire, and so it is that trump has made CORRUPTION as THE Religion of the Chosen Elite. 

Here (in this Time) it is that Pelosi and her impending Impeachment, represent "The Barbarians At The Gates", and here, rather than stay and battle, trump has chosen RELIEF by being among the Those-Such-As-He-Is, brain-dead Geriatrics who live in the Fountain of Perpetual Youth.

Christianity by this time was UNRECOGNIZABLE due to FINANCIAL Blood-Thirstiness.
Christ had been REPLACED by Economic Considerations,i.e., enough WEALTH to drive more than one Empires.  Indeed Christianity was to be transformed into the Holy Roman Empire.

Holy Fucking Christ .

"For a Few Hollers More"

After rite-ing Twitter, I nestled into the warm caress of Chairy-Chair and wondered if I could summon the Strength to blog-out a few Blogs.  This is ALWAYS an Effort to enter Emptiness,
The Rich and Fertile Dimension of Intellectual S-P-A-C-E.  This, too, is a Condition of Warmth.
But as I settled into this Warmth a Something "surfaced" pretty much as a result of this morning's "Beating Up Gramma Polluted", Nancy Pelosi.  It was odd because "it" came in the form of Past Experience, that of The Collapse of the Soviet Union.

Here it comes again, even as I type these words >>>  Since I have experienced the Collapse of the Soviet Empire, isn't it POSSIBLE that I should experience the Collapse of the American Empire as well ????

THAT'S now I am presently viewing Nancy Pelosi, as "Old Mother Hubbard who lived in a shoe and had so many children she didn't know what to do."   But and Now, you can see that my Past experience with my own God-Forsaken Loveless Mother, DENIES me access to a Realm of Responsible Awareness.

Here it is as Most Bitter >>>

Pelosi is al-Bagdhadi leading her children, the Youth of America, into the Black Hole Death Cave to be ex-PLODED into molecules because of HER "Belief System".

Can you see it ?

"A Fistful of Hollers"

After toiling at Twitter for tw o hours I'm hard-pressed to ravage for a few hours more to produce MEANINGFUL Blogs.  ANYBODY can rite shit for 4 or five hours, I'm PROOF of that, but my Age has generated an Intellectual Sobriety that DEMANDS not only Conviction but Essential Insight. otherwise, what's the fucking POINT ??? > ! < 

Thing with THAT is, True Scholarship makes ITS demands as well>> the so-called Conditioned NON-Conditionality that requires Exposition-al Clarity >> a Clarity that is capable of shedding Light upon the Gross of Dim Witted-Ness, the abject Defilement of  Knowledge, the Subversion of Education, that somehow Weaponizes Ignorance.  This AIN'T for the feint of Heart nor the Weak Willed.  Age has made me Both. 

...the Age in rAge...

I was HORROR-Stricken at trump's order of Unconditional Retreat the result of an Unconditional SURRENDER to putin.  I couldn't write, not because I had no words, but because I was PARALYZED by that Horror.  Paralysis never "use-ta" happen because in Olden Days I was so much YOUNGER.  THESE days news acts as baseball bats in the hands of a Chimpanzee ARMY.  I am beaten into a grotesque submission which reduces me to a quivering-feverish mass of blood-soaked mental flesh which prevents me from describing the Pain and Torment of Human Atrocity, shit for which I use-ta have GUTS.  No longer.

Every day I experience a seeming RELENTLESS Procession of Stephens Past who march by and scream "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU OLD MAN ?????"  Age happened. 

Age.

I am who I WAS

I've been repeatedly attacked for "Living in the Past"--it's fair criticism that I am loathe to reject.  I was asked, "Why do you hold on to the Past so tightly KNOWING that it is cause for the Stymie of Emotional Advancement, the Kind that is Trajectorally Progressive ? 

In MY mind, this is the question of Psychological Imbecility.  Not only do "We act according to the way we see things" >>  We UNDERSTAND things as a RESULT of PAST Experiences.  You add to that the FACT that most of our PRESENT Power is also the Result of Past Discipline and Training, you can fully appreciate, or SHOULD fully appreciate, The Past as FOUNDATION of Present Conditional Actuality.  One can argue that TECHNICALLY >>>   I am who I WAS <<<<<.

Most often Scholarship is predicated upon a lucidity afforded by Historical Anecdotes and made RELEVANT by PREVAILING Conditions that generate Parallels which promote REAL TIME Recognition.  Recognizing Cosmic Similarities enhances a Diagnostic that precipitates UNDERSTANDING. 

In Street Terms > = <   "Hey I KNOW what that is, I seen it before."

The Bi-Polar Bearing Sea

I have to be EXTREMELY careful not to begin each morning with Blind Faith's "Had To Cry Today".  Same with Phil Collins'  "Missed Again".  I suffer from ATSDD  Active Traumatic Steve DeSilva Disorder AND, as if THAT weren't enough, Bi-Polar Bearing.  Indeed, my Realm IZ the Bi-Polar Bearing Sea.  It aint EZ being me, which is why I try to be Someone Else, like ANYBODY Else, as much as I can for as L--O---N----G as I can.

I gotta leave this here, totally unfinished.  Pleeze forgive an old No body.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

Ass-ids

I got up from Chairy-Chair's Warm Embrace bc I heard a Voice warn, "Whatever you do DO NOT open your G.Mail."  The "do-do" was a "giveaway".  Well I IGNORED that Warning and tapped into it anyway.  Sure enough,, Master Fortin's ASS-IDS were there,,, as brutally corrosive as ever.  All he wants me to do is "get" Ph-D's in FOUR Languages, Ph.D's in Ancient Mexican Sorcery and Magic, get Enlightenment in Geomancy and Feng Shui and write his "A Sourcebook In Kwan Um Do Kwang Philosophy.  Thing is, he wanted me to type with fingers HE broke with his Base-Ball BAT.
I know rite ? 

Know what I did ? What ANY American Zen Sword Student would do, I put in a load of laundry and dug out cloth shears to cut some felt fabric and so I could hammer-staple it to my table-dollies.....  Skirts for my dollies, God-ZILLA I LOVE that.

Some one shoot me..........................pleeze.

...bitten by Zen Dogma...

I've tried to describe that my own Insanity is, for the most part, UN-knowable, meaning, how would I KNOW when I'm Crazy ?  There is most bitter Zen Dogma that spits-out, "Mind cannot know Mind", and there's even Christian Anathema that revels in ,"The Finite CANNOT know the Infinite" which means the Minds of puny Humans can't POSSIBLY grasp the Infinite of  Divine Intelligence.  Knowing that shit don't help me NONE !    How can it ?

I put a load of laundry into the washing machine then dug out a pair of cloth shears to cut-up some felt.  It's a small task but it lends itself to my firm Belief that Small Things Are 'Getting' To Me  in such a way that if I don't execute this small task I risk executing my Sanity.  The Task is to staple a "skirt" onto my table dollies.  Skirts for my dollies.  I need SERIOUS Professional Help.

Guano Mana

You Kidz KNOW that when  I gotta use trump and his colossal BLUNDERS to measure my own yak shit CrAzY things have gone "South" as in "down the toilette".  Every time I'm cuckoo-nuts trump executes some bat shit Guano Insanity that makes me and the rest of the World DELIRIOUS in Sanity EUPHORIA. 

I had WAY too much sleep last night.  For the FIRST time in YEARS, I slept 8 hours WITHOUT having to relieve myself or FIGHT Losing Battles Against Demons and Angels.  Too much sleep makes me groggy and slum-ber-y .   It helps that I have a PUNISHING  migraine, that my Tinnitus is EXCRUCIATING, and my allergies are so bad there's good Pain in my JAW.  Good Times....but I'm fucked and fucked HARD !!!!!

The Gory Hymn of the Republic

Just for my own head, TODAY, I need to re-orient our heads so that we see the same shit.  Elsewhere I have magma-ed a Case that presents Civilization as Evolutionary "Strategy".  Here, the managed  growth of the Intellect made Co-Operation the Guarantor of Subsistence Plenitude.  It may be written as The Politics of Plenitude, or The Socialization of  "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours."  It's all Common Sense Shit just like,  "2 heads are better than one", and  the Native American Classic, "Many hands make the work light."

Here's a Bitter from HH Captain Obvious :::  " When Co-operation fails, so too the Guarantees."

Without the "Co-Operation" of the republicans, we can all sing The Gory Hymn of the Republic.

The Impending Impeachment is Destined For Failure.

The rats want to hold the Upcoming Election as Judge, Jury, and Executioner.

Trump has NEGATED Democracy and its Constitution.

He may try to Negate the Election Results .

What then  ?


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

If ye sow, ye shall weep.

The BEST image/definition of Karma MAY be, "As ye sow, so shall ye reap".  It gets CLOSE to what is needed to understand Karma.  Of course there's the Parable of the Mustard Seed that is blown onto rock.  Ain't NOTHIN' EZ and that includes trying to align Garden with Government.

Please forgive an old mustard seed.....  I am TERROR-fied that NOTHING will come of the Impeachment Proceedings.  There is NO Mechanism in EXISTENCE which can force Truth Extraction from the Criminally Insane and nor would that Extraction be of Value since there is NO Mechanism to arrest and imprison Political Terrorists. 

If trump "ordains" that his phone call to Ukraine was his SECOND AMENDMENT  Guarantee, it will be the Constitution of the United States that is, itself, Responsible for Its own demise.

Trump has "Ordained" that his phone call was "Perfect".

Trump is the Priest of Perfect.

In a Perfect Democracy you can say what you want to say.

Who is there to stop you ?

The Inundation of Fecundation

Some time ago, or it coulda-ben yesterday, I made effort to recognize that "Corruption" is, in deed, and in fact, a NATURAL Process.  Buddhist Dogma sets it forth in this manner, "Arising, Stability, Decline and Dissolution".  Here, I juxtapose Decline with Corruption.  For my money, the Absolute BEST image to use is that of a Garden.  A Garden can be Beautifully Conceived and Richly Executed, and for a time it will be Pristine, Pure and Bucolic----that is until, Mother Nature and her Twin, Mother Earth, advance upon said Garden with only MASS ENTROPY as Guiding Principle.  The Twins DEMAND the Inundation by Fecundation---the NECESSITY for Order as CHAOS---and here it is where every weed seed on the Planet, has, for its growth medium, immensely FERTILE Soil, in which to promote a Growth of Vacuum, the One that sucks the Life Giving Nutrient AWAY from Civilized Cornucopia. 

Mother Earth and Mother Nature are FIRST  to Defend  "ALL LIFE IS SACRED".

Every Living Thing is EQUAL to Every Other Living Thing.

"Houston ?                         We have a problem."

The Pope of Corruption.

I heard Some One say, (and even if I didn't I'm gonna rite this anyway) "The Republic is DEAD without Belief in the Constitution".

I didn't have any plans to rite today.  It was SUPPOSE to be warm and SUNNY, warm enough and Sunny enough to dry some to the stock I need for the Tools' Room :::  instead it's dark, dank and dour which, under Steve DeSilva conditions, would produce a level of Toxicity that would pollute the Pope.  I spent some time this morning, at Twitter, condemning the DIS-Belief of the Constitution by trump and his sycophants, cultists all and to the last.  Trump & his have used the pages of the Constitution for toilette paper.  They have Middle Fingered the Dec of Independence and used the Branches of Gov as Whips Against the Minds of Honest Citizens.  I brought in the Pope because HE could transform the Church, and do so INSTANTLY, with just ONE Papal BULL.  He could, SINGLE-HANDEDLY bring the Church into MODERN Times, if His Holiness, so Willed.  But His Hole-y-ness so WON'T.  Trump is no different. 

Trump is the Pope of  Corruption.

...prickled...

I can't continue this today Kidz, my apologies.  I mean I COULD but it would drain me to "nothing left". 

It may be that a Heart that is severely scarred CANNOT Love to the Extent of Others.  I'm gonna claim that this morning, although tomorrow I may just claim Insanity. 

I LOVE proclaiming that the only "Absolute" in the Universe is "Change".  However, there are other "Absolutes" worthy of that Same >>>here's one now =  "Hamburg is NEVER gonna change into steak."  One more for good measure,from the Annals of AA>>  "Once you're pickled you ain't gonna become a cucumber."


Rock steady........steady as she goes....

Emotion Dyslexia

My Mental Illnesses keep me Sane.  That's my Story and I'm stickin' to it.  It MAY be far more accurate to record> Knowing I'm Mentally Ill keeps me Sane and Stable.  I suffer from Emotion Dyslexia a Disease I had to devise in order to explain myself to my Other Self.  It's either that or
I must dive into the Depth of Childhood where I risk drowning in a Sea of Shame, Guilt, Remorse and Bitterness.  Why not just "make something up" ?

Everyone wants to believe "Love Conquers All".  I DON'T believe that. And here's the Rub, I can't because of that Maternal UNCONDITIONED Love that was UNAVAILABLE to me.  It means I was born into the Bottom of the Above Mentioned Ocean.   If your START at 5 Miles DOWN, it something of a Miracle when you get to 2 Miles BELOW.  I want Credit for That, a voluminous Recognition of a "Job Well Done." 

That's where I am after all these Years of Training, Zen and Sword Psychology.  Folks have asked,
"With all Your Experience why are you STILL a fucking ASSSShole ?"

Just because I know how to swim, it DOESN'T mean I can swim the Chanel .

...Dis-Capacity

My Hero, Eric Clapton, does a Lament about a Chick who's experienced the dregs and dross of "Potential Gone Bad"--the one where, even though she's invested and invested HEAVILY in her Man, he has inexplicably  approached Reciprocity with a callus contempt bordering on rapturous Scorn.  Eric KNOWS "This ain't good" and figures HE can White Knight her on Sat(a)n Sheets because most of all SHE MUST HAVE HAD ENOUGH.  I'm NOT Eric in this yawn yarn, I'm the BAD guy whose interpretation of Good Times is gettin' HY and watching "Bad Teacher" or "The Lost World".  I ain't rite in the head.

Sometimes you don't "have to" forgive Bad Ass Behavior, nor must you even excuse it.  What I think you MUST do is recognize the Science of "it", the one where Past Conditions generate PRESENT Occupation. 

We live in the Zen of Venn that's the one where Past, Present and FUTURE exist in the Realm of "Just Now" with HIDEOUS Immediacy, the one in which temporal and sensational Sensitivities "Plague" Intimacy with Savage Brutality.

"Born Under A Bad Sign"

There's a scene in this Flick>>  Good Guy sees that a Wanna-be Bad Ass is harassing the Saloon Girl with Testosterone Testicity.  The WBBA refuses to be Gentlemanly and continues to "trump" the Woman with grandiose MAGA-nimity.  The Way Liberal Good Guy goes Knight In Shining Armor and seethes, "Were you born an ASSSSSShole, or have you been workin' at it you whole life ? "

You can guess What Happens Next.

Go Ahead,

Guess.

Now you'd figure that someone like me, a devout Militant Idealist would side with the White in Shining Armor, instead, I've always fancied myself a ZEN Bad ASS, so I would have responded,
"Yes".

--Yes what ?--

Both.

--Both WHAT ?

I was born an asshole and I HAVE been working at it my entire Life.

"Tied To The Whipping Post"

I'd venture that a Majority of "Us Gize" know what it's like to be on the Receiving End of "Why do you HAVE to be SUCH a fucking asshole ?"  A couple of times I have held my tongue and only THOUGHT "Just lucky, I guess".  The Rest of Those Caught-On-Barbed-Wire Times have gone less.......................smoothly. 

INEVITABLY I have been brow beaten, thorn crowned, whipped and flailed with razor studded  lashes--mostly in Words of Fire, those seeming DEMANDS for Greatness that sound really Terrific, but to me they are really Terror-ific.  "You say you Wield the Sword of Jesus and The Sword of Manjushri, why the fuck CAN'T you BE Christian, why can't you BE Buddhist ?"

Oh my , oh my, oh my.

He had Guacamole for Brains...

Tonight I fared much better.  The FEAR was inactive for the same reason, I JUST DID NOT GIVE A Fuck~~so I laid out a trap, and when the Rubber Person, a GIANT of 8 feet or so, appeared, I managed in Dream Skill, to knock HIM to the ground, and as he was about to raise himself, I kicked him in the head, twice, once to split his skull, the next to kick out his face and with it his brains.  Oddly, what remained looked like guacamole and sour cream.  This monster wasn't gonna return any time soon.

That leads us to my next Sequence, and this is more to the Core of Sleepless in See Battle.  In this Sequence I have a date with a Woman, a Date I have failed to keep, for many MANY Nights, and now, with Death "out of the way" you'd think "Gee Mister, that's swell", and I'd be ready for the tete-a-tete .   Well, come to find out, Life AIN'T just kicking Demons into the Abyss, and scooping off faces and guac brains with your razor-foot.  Life is about being a Gentleman, or so you'd want to romanticize. 

"Rubber Workers Bounce Back"

I HAVE wanted to rite about the so-called "Rubber People".  I refer to them as "Rubber People" because they are "made out of" rubber---as such, no amount of pounding, kicking, Sword or K-bar "work" can meet out ANY damage.  They are terrifying because, they are capable of a form of open surgery, done while I am Conscious, whose goal is the removal of my Organs, my Heart, among them.  I feared the Rubber People GREATLY.  They exist in Another Dimension, and even though I KNOW --"Don't go there"-- when I stand at the Gate, still with the capacity to choose and choose WISELY , I choose POORLY an enter their dimension with the intention to gain my Freedom.  To this point, that of tonight, I have failed because of misery-fear (miseratic fear) the one that floods you when you realize, you AIN'T gonna "Win", that, whatever weapon you have AIN'T gonna be effective AND, as if THAT weren't enough, those fucking bastids can out-run you.

Who would EVER have figured Rubber People are SPRINTERS ?

Mud Slinger

It's 1:33 a.m. here in South County, North America, Earth.  I haven't been sleeping  all through the night for months, mainly because of incessant battles with Demons who rodeo one Unicorn night-mare after another, all REAL, all exhausting<>  in a seemingly unending battle to raise my Conscious that I may truly see who I truly am.

Well I just awoke from a Dream in which I slew two Demons, three if you count the Little Boy I threw off a mountain side to his death.  His father was more of a struggle.  I wrestled him on rain saturated soil, slippery as grease, but this time I had no Fear of death, he was gonna die -I was gonna die, maybe, and I just DID NOT CARE.  It was a Classic Movie Full-View, in the rain, at night, on a mountain top for "All the marbles".  I managed to knock him into the mud, and kick him toward the Edge--he held my leg tightly, we were both slipping toward the Abyss, but, I kicked his head, his grip loosened, and one more kick freed me and  sent him flying to his death.  On the way down I actually heard his head crack open from an out crop.  That's when I threw his son after him.

Lord of the Fries

I, too, have advanced into William Golding Territory but NOT as The Lord of the Flies, for me, rite now, it's more like Lord of the Fries.  I'm TWICE the man I once was but NOT in any Abstract Pure-ative Elite way, more like in a Fat-Sack-Of-Human-Excrement way.  Woe is me.

I did SEVERE damage to my Self and my Ego when I CATASTROPHICALLY Underestimated the Effects of Radiation Bombardment.  It reduced me to a fat-assed Skinny WEAKLING  a one wholly susceptible to a Sand Kicking Trumped-up Bully.  I was FORCED to use just a mere FIVE pounds to "Bench Press" and even then my anterior deltoids were SCREAMING.  Pathetic gets close to it.

But here's the deal with being a 600 pound sack of living "Play-doh" ~~~ I still remembered what it felt like to bench and do Sword, and I gotta tell ya Kidz I CAN'T live without "it".  It's the deal where I am weak as a Kitten but I want to live as a Crouching Tiger.

There's no place from which to start except "At the Beginning".

Us Democracyarians must have ONE Mind when it comes to REFORMING Post-trump America. It's this >=<   BACK TO BASICS.  That MEANS its a Return to Forever via the Constitution.

We have the requisite Directions, what we NEED to do is Read and EXECUTE.


Rock steady........steady as She goes....

The Reign in Ukraine stays mainly on the Pain

I can't leave you Kiz today without addressing Ukraine and its Drowning Position in the Dire Straits.
I've listened to several Folks, supposedly Knowledgeable "Experts" who have recorded that after Ukraine became un-Prisoned by the now DEAD Soviet Union, Ukraine whistle-blew PASSED "Democracy" and rite into William Golding's Land of The Lord of the Flies.  Since Ukraine had no Democracy to begin with, it was naturally unlikely that they could have, somehow, made it, (Democracy), even "appear".   Instead they, as in their Nation, went straight to the Hideous of Democracy Senility, the one where Corruption is the NATURAL Result of AGE.  "Freedom" to Them, meant Freedom to Adhere to the MOST Strident of Universal Negatives, the one of GREED.

Knowing this MEANS that there WASN'T and COULD NOT be ANY of the so-called "Muscle Memory", the remembrances of Ancient Athenian Agriculture-based Democracy.  Tw o words ==  Impossible.  With only the Western View of Democracy in sight, specifically that of America, the Ukrainians Tore Forward with unblemished Cultural FEROCITY, a Ferocity brought about by STARVATION. 

The World has seen these Valiant Citizens, barricaded in their Streets in SUB-ZERO ARCTIC TORTURE, themselves BLAZING with the Fury of DEMAND.  Noble and Honorable are scant adjectives to proscribe as REVOLUTIONARY.

"Go ahead, FAKE my day."

Watching trump and Zelensky is like being in a Lifeguard Tower and spotting a Tsunami where the Sky Meets the Sea.  I'm yelling and SCREAMING but no one seems to care.  Everyone is going about their Business as though they are Guests on Pleasure Island.  I am sick with wrought (where wrought is defined as "being hammered into shape").

In front of Zelensky and the World, trump has pulled the trigger and emptied his clip into Miss Liberty's brain, and NOT like Tarantino depicted in "Kill Bill Vol, 1".  Then, as it THAT weren't enough, he put the barrel up against Zelensky's temple.  "Go ahead, Fake my Day".  What's Zelensky gonna do ----------Refuse ?   His entire Nation is in Jeopardy--Putin and his are up Ukraine's ASS with a fucking spiked 2 X 4 and Zelensky is like me, POWER-LESS. 

Trump aint just Out of Order he's Out of Fucking CONTROL.  He's in FOUL Territory and trying to fake us believe he's in "Good Standing". 

This is Office DEFILEMENT in EVERY Way, Shape and Form.

When trump commanded China to Fake his Day he the ENTIRE Government should have been put on RED ALERT   DEF-COM ELEVEN---instead it's all just so Ho Hum Drum, "We'll get to that when we finish "Holiday".

You Are Hy

That's the gag for U. R. I., the University of Rhode Island.  We were Hy one time running over the the turf at the outer border of campus, the stars like headlights, the air   soil sweet and intoxicating. 

Nothing sez "It's Winter" like returning to URI's Natatorium to see if  IT is where I'm gonna seize-up and drown.  I'm just like you Kidz, the ONLY way to leave the deck is by racing dive and 50 yards of Butterfly.  I figured, if I had to drown, it may as well be because I DIDN'T care about my pathetically weakened condition--image is everything.  "He drowned by trying to be a Water-Butterfly". 

Before I was Radiated I could warm-up with a 200 IM, that's swim code for "Individual Medley" 50 yards of Fly, 50 yds of Backstroke, 50 yds of Breast and 50 of the Australian Crawl.  I could-a been timed with a stopwatch, but this last time I needed a calendar.  Here's my Time =  5 days, 6 hours, 33 minutes and 4 tenths.  But that aint the point.

The Point is this >=<  As soon as I broke the surface MY BODY REMEMBERED.  It, this mechanical remembrance, is correctly referred to as "Muscle Memory".  All those thousands of MILES in High School and College turned me into a Mer-Man, a Natadore.  In short, I will ALWAYS be able to swim an IM.  I find that seriously interesting.

That same "message" is for US.  The Whistle Blower Blew us into Muscle Memory, the One that REMEMBERS what Corruption Free Government MEANT and also that Corruption Free Government was, at its Core, GOOD !!!

Plank Skank

Listen Kidz --  I NEED to draw a DIRECT connection from my Radiation Bombardment to my Present "sorry" make-believe man I am rite now.  The Radiation Bombardment has reduced me to doing my beloved Bench Press WITH ONLY 5 POUND dumb-bells.  I shit you not-------.  Back in "The Day" I would WARM-UP with a buck thirty, rep it all day with ABSOLUTELY No Prob.  A few days ago I was strong enough to see how many push-ups I could do ~~~ it was part of the Dave Gallogly Challenge.  I went pell-mell for the Chin-Up Bar and kwikly tore my lats to shreds.  I was in no Shape to even THINK about a Chin-up.  I did, however, keep my chin DOWN and went into the plank position and do ONE push-up.  Here's a good word >=<  PATHETIC.

But don't miss the Point.  It was the RADIATION that weakened me, that sucked the fucking LIFE from my Heart and Soul. 

In that SAME WAY trump's "Radiation" has weakened the Minds and Hearts of Americans and the World. 

We are suffering Radiation Sickness.

The Whistle Blow Job

I NEED to make certain You Kidz understand that Corruption is a NATURAL Process.  Look around at any steel or iron or cast iron and even aluminum "piece" that's been "left out" in the open beneath ALL weather conditions.  INEVITABLY those items will rust and corrode.  The key word here is INEVITABLY.  A Pundit GENIUS encumbered, "What the Whistle-Blower blew WAS NOT NEW NEWS, not in ANY, Way, Shape or Form."  Sadly, if not SORROWFULLY, we as in Us, have known that trump is a raging piece of sub-human SHIT from the very Get-Go of his presidential campaign. 

What has transpired here in America is NOT some sort of Shakespearean Tragedy, a One in which a GOOD Man makes a fucking HEINOUS decision that Catastrophes [from the transitive verb, to Catastrophe] his life.  I have rendered trump a DIABOLICAL Genius.  His Capacity for Cruelty is matched by Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, and Putin, tyrants all, whose Sole Objective in Life was the Self-Aggrandizement that manifests in Political POWER. 

All these Monsters "sleep like animals".  They had NO Morals nor Ethics, indeed, they consider These, Inhibitors.  No Shame, no Remorse, No Compassion, No Empathy --~~~~~

So Now --WHY is the Whistle Blow Job so surreal-ly dire, and maybe dire is not the best word.

All Existence Entails Corruption

Yesterday I heard something "out of the Whirlwind".  You Kidz recall the Bible Story, that Time when Job looked upon a Whirlwind and God, Himself, spoke ?  It was like that, only NOTHING like that, it was just your regular Whirlwind of white noise, static and distortion, but from which I "made out" some excruciatingly CLEAR  words >=<  "Putin, and guys like Putin, think the the World is FUNDAMENTALLY Corrupt."  In other words, The World, AT ITS CORE, is NO PLACE for the Cosmic Conditions of Kindness, Caring, Charity and Compassion. 

A bomb "went off" in my head. 

Look at the First Noble Truth >=<  "All Existence entails Suffering."

Now check this out >=<  All Existence entails Corruption.

See why I have some---------------------------------concern ?

...Civilized Ferocity...

I'm on a "Rampage" as well.  A Rampage to Order my Immediate World. the one where Rite-er Steve dwells from time to time.  Rampage Unraveling tornadoes [from the transitive verb, to tornado] to a Chaos of Self-Generated Effects, Effects that are nothing less than Whip Lashes, in trump's instance and our own for that matter.  We are getting Whip-Lashed.  The Rampage I am on is one of ORDERING, however, and if Fury can be controlled, so it is with, my version of Rampage.  Technically, it has nothing to do with Chaos nor Order, but EVERYTHING to do with the Force of Chaos---The Force of Order --- some sort of Primal and CIVILIZED Ferocity.  THAT'S where I am, making every Effort to consolidate years and YEARS if notes, research, quotations, scratches, scribblings, scrawls and scathing-s, my Attempt at re-viewing my Life's Work so that I can (somehow) present it in some semblance of Intellectual Scholarship. 

Were it not for trump and Present Day Political Conditions, I may NOT have attempted ANY sort of Refinement or Distillation.  Some of you may know i was SUPPOSE to rite a Workbook of Kwan Um Do Kwang for Master Fortin.  That went "South" and boy did it go South in a Tornadic Hurricane.